25
Nov
09

On air: Can men be taught not to hit women?

70 percent of women experience some form of physical or sexual violence from men  “the majority from their husbands, intimate partners or someone they know,” according to the United Nations.

Today in England the government announced that from 2011, children will be taught from the age of five how to prevent violent relationships.

But is this something that can be taught?

Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, so there are any number of stories and press releases about programmes designed to do what the day says. But it’s interesting – so many of them, like this one in Zimbabwe, focus on teaching the women themselves. If a man hits a woman is it the woman’s problem or the man’s?

The head of the UN Ban Ki Moon has launched a “Network of Men Leaders” who are to teach each other that real men do not violate or oppress women.

In Australia men are being asked to sign up and swear an oath to end violence against women.

This blogger thinks that teaching children from a young age is the key.

Is there a point to teaching women and children that violence is bad when their husbands and fathers aren’t being taught the same thing?

Not everyone agrees that government should be involved in the campaign anyway. Margaret Morrissey, of the Parents Outloud campaign group said: “The Government should stop interfering with parents bringing up their children”.

On the programme today we’ll be hearing from men around the world who have, and still do, hit their partners to ask why, and if anything can change their minds. We’ll also be hearing from Ted Bunch, who started a programme in Brooklyn, New York which works with violent men. The depressing news from him is that despite all his counselling, 30% of the men he works with end up in court again charged with crimes relating to them hitting women. And that’s just the ones that end up in court.

Can men be taught not to hit women? If so, how? And if women and children are being taught one thing, but the message they’re getting at home is very different, how much can really change?


193 Responses to “On air: Can men be taught not to hit women?”


  1. 1 Ajibade Musa Olawale
    November 25, 2009 at 11:33

    At times ladies do frustrate men so if a man is not patient enough ,he might do otherwise without been instructed.

    • 2 Grace
      November 25, 2009 at 16:42

      Nonsense!We cant go about hitting or sexually abusing people just because we are frustrated.
      Men need better education,spiritually and emotionally.And so do women,so they see the symptoms early in a relationship and don’t put up with it.
      Parents,teachers,spiritual/community leaders and better role models can help.
      The situation is appalling and completely unacceptable in the 21st century.
      Looks like there is a state of war,even in the home.

      Grace
      Accra

    • 3 Ann
      November 25, 2009 at 19:17

      What makes YOUR behavior so perfect? What if it was the other way around? How would you like to be beaten routinely?

    • 4 W
      November 29, 2009 at 00:39

      I have been listening to this programme for years but I have never sent in a response. The guest on this episode managed to move me to do so. This is so shocking! I am an African. This has nothing to do with our training. Or are we being told that men should become jobless drunks because their fathers were jobless and drunks? This is a very painful and terrible misrepresentation of my culture. It is very painful to hear and I hasten to clear it up.

      Men beat their wives for other reasons not just tradition, but I don’t care about their reasons. Beating a woman for any reasdon at all is bad. I am glad that he has learned that the beatings do not work!! What do some people think women are? Goats?! It is not a part of our tradition because a lot of our men do not beat their wives – part of living is learning and learning positive things. It is possible to learn not to hit a woman. I am very sure it is not as difficult as climbing Mount Everest.

  2. 5 Bridgetown Barbados
    November 25, 2009 at 11:58

    Most definitely children need to be taught how to prevent violence in relationships! Children who witness violence are often overlooked in services and often may perpetrate violence themselves when they get older or become involved in abusive relationships (as in the Rihanna-Chris Brown scenario). Violence between siblings is also another issue that is not often addressed. So I believe any preventive intervention with young children has to the potential to make a positive impact on reduction of DV.

  3. November 25, 2009 at 12:30

    not just women….use the word people…we get taught this before kindergaten.

    TV,HAMISI,VIHIGA,KENYA.

  4. 7 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 12:54

    It’s a vicious circle. Because of poor parenting, many women grow up with low self esteem and at best unconsciously seek out men who are like this, and will as a result produce children that will do the same.

  5. 8 Dennis Junior
    November 25, 2009 at 12:57

    Just, we need to be taught NOT to hit women—Plain and simple!

    ~Dennis Junior~

  6. November 25, 2009 at 13:45

    Poor Mothers and Wives!
    TEHRA – Too much salt in the soup; late picking up the kid from school; not enough money? The woman is to blame!
    Marriage is not taking a companion but a way out of squalor and poverty. The mentality of domination and disparaging women in Islam is appalling. .
    Girls generally feel that they are a burden on the family and leave the household as soon as possible, but young marriages rarely last. The sordid tale of desperate girls fill the pages of tabloids every day.
    The burden of bringing up children for the unemployed, without a permanent falls on women. If the husband is an addict, there is the added responsibility to satisfy his craving. Drudgery, menial labour, stealing and prostitution are the only solution.
    Governments in the Middle East must step in and end subservience and bondage of women. Give them independence, freedom to travel, go abroad on her own, own a business or check into a hotel!

  7. 10 JanB
    November 25, 2009 at 13:51

    I agree with Steve that part of the blame lies with certain women who keep seeking out lowlife scumbags for boyfriends (some women just are attracted to the irredeemable criminal or aggressive football hooligan), I’m not to sorry for those women since they brought it upon themselves.

    On the other hand there are plenty of women who find out their man suddenly starts to behave differently once they start living together or get married, though even in these cases there were often subtle signs beforehand (for example: if he says he wants you to wear a veil or convert to his religion and all that crap don’t expect him to treat you like his equal.) Women need to be thought to recognize these signs and boys should have a strong male role model to teach them that hitting a women is criminal.

  8. 11 patti in cape coral
    November 25, 2009 at 14:01

    @ Steve – Do you think it would be then more effective to teach the parents instead of the children, so women don’t have this self-esteem problem? That some women seek out abusive men may be part of the problem, but the fact that it is so easy to find these abusive men are also the problem, so maybe both girls and boys need to be taught about self esteem, and being responsible for their own behavior.

    Teaching children about domestic violence at school will not do much good if they go home to witness it.

    • 12 Ann Lorraine
      November 25, 2009 at 19:58

      As a child,I was the victim of severe beatings from my father. The bottom line is this: once I left home at age 18, my life was a series of poor choices of men and repeated therapy sessions to figure out “what was wrong with me?” Beating a child creates a child who walks through the rest of her/his life trying to fix what is wrong with them. It teaches them that there must be something inherently wrong with them to bring on such physical force.

  9. 13 Dinka Aliap Chawul-Kampala,Uganda
    November 25, 2009 at 14:24

    Hi WHY’s

    Am not a married man & i’d loves to gets one next year(2010).Moreover,I dont think this is a subject matter that would be taught anywhere,this is natural things to all human beings both man & woman alike.

    I think eradicating illiteracy first amongst females then gender equality,but gender equality be4 eradicating illiteracy is a double standard because should educates inorder to lets them know their rights.We needs to do more now if we’d like to curtail futture injustices against a single-weak minority groups such as woman.

    Info(I’ll be leaving 4 Juba,S.Sudan tonight)

  10. November 25, 2009 at 14:30

    I will probably get jumped on for this, but I will bite. Someone has to say it. AS WELL AS WHEN ARE WE GOING TO TEACH WOMEN NOT TO WANT TO BE HIT.

    There are a bazillion relationships out there where women stay and/ or return to an abuser. Many of them have plenty of other options. For this exchange to take place, you need two parts. You need a guy who is willing to be violent towards females and you need women who are willing to take it.

    The problem is human race wide, and it is both social and biological. Socially, boys watch as their fathers (or male role models) treat their mothers in abusive fashion (or in no fashion at all as the father is missing) and grow up to understand that is how you are supposed to treat somebody you love. Girls watch as their mothers are abused and assume that being abused means that they are loved.

    We can add into it the common “I am only spanking you because I love you” mantra and the cycle is reinforced. Bilogically, women are programmed to seek the “strong, dominate, most able to protect them” male. These males often come with elevated testosterone levels and enlarged aggression centers.

    Only by making sure your children are taught that violence is never acceptable can we stop these cycles.

  11. 15 nora
    November 25, 2009 at 14:31

    We send confusing messages to little boys. Be tough, be sensitive, don’t cry, be a good soldier, don’t hit girls, even though as little children there are no real differences in strength and girls are often ahead in social development. Later on there are real differences in wages, childbirth, nursing, eldercare, to name but a few areas of difference. Ethics, communication and love can inform men not to take undue advantage of these differences, so we have to raise our boys with the tools of self-restraint and self-expression in order to avoid violence.

  12. 16 Sergio Joaquim Dique
    November 25, 2009 at 14:54

    Yes children need to be taught. Note, however, that violence at the level which sparks this dialogue is comitted not by children but by grown up individuals.

    There is no one-size-fits-all response to this problem. Individuals need to make efforts to promote peace in their families and relationships.

    l hate the idea of blaming fathers, stepfathers, brothers, etc. The Chris Brown case is a very good example. If his stepfather was such a role model for him, why don’t we have him (the stepfather) as an R&B superstar? That way we would all say, well; like-stepfather-like-stepson. People always want to blame someone for their stupidity. We all must just take responsibility. Its a matter of looking into oneself and decide to be a better person.

  13. 17 Jennifer
    November 25, 2009 at 14:58

    Do children need to be taught how to prevent violent relationships? Or do men need to learn from each other? What is the answer to stopping domestic violence against women?

    The best thing a child’s father can do for him is be good to his (her) mother.

    You can teach children to be non-violent. However, much of domestic violence has to do with control.

    Maybe we could help men with self esteem and communicating effectively.

  14. 18 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 15:04

    I agree with Dwight. A major part of the problem is that there is no shortage of women who seek this out due to various issues they have. The issues will only get worse and worse as daughters observe their mothers and their poor choices in men, and will just repeat it. Someone like Rihanna NEEDS to be in a relationship like that, because her issues make her seek out drama, she would be bored in a relationship that was stable.

  15. 19 Julie P
    November 25, 2009 at 15:05

    Much of this can be prevented with better parenting. It is a vicious cycle where males are taught by their parents to seek out partners that they dominate and control. It is a direct result of low self esteem of one male being passed down to their male offspring. The low self esteem is compensated by overaggressive behavior toward others, especially toward their partner.

  16. 20 Mike in Seattle
    November 25, 2009 at 15:11

    To answer the stated question, of course men can be taught to not hit women. There are plenty of men that don’t raise their hands in anger, and in fact some men who are victims themselves. But that’s not the point, now is it?

    The point is to understand why it happens. I don’t entirely understand why it happens, and I would be interested in hearing what your guest have to say about this aspect. I think once we understand why, we can better evaluate how best to deal with this sad situation.

  17. 22 Roy, Washington DC
    November 25, 2009 at 15:25

    Real men don’t hit women.

  18. November 25, 2009 at 15:29

    Men should learn to restrain themselves in their relationships with women. On many occasions, there are men who turn out violent for trivial reasons as when the woman put too much salt in the food when cooking. Arguments turn into blows and bruises.

    Actually, men who dare to beat women must be sick. The argument they have is that the only way to “redress” a “disobedient” woman is to resort to blows and slaps on the face.

    If a man is habitually violent towards women for psychological reasons, then he must get treatment to show him that small differences can be solved peacefully. Women also should know how to diffuse tension without seeming submissive or defeated. It’s all a matter of psychological maturity on the part of men and women regardless of their education, social status or responsibility.

  19. 24 Nanci
    November 25, 2009 at 15:33

    Yes, of course they can. And starting at age 5 is an excellent idea. In Sweden, teaching young children about gender roles for men that do not glorify machismo and violence does work. THey have a pedagogy the UN has used for preschoolers and there are studies to show when gender equality and different roles for men and women are taught from preschool, it does result in less violence.

    It is in cultures where there is huge discimination, where male gender models are hierarchical and macho and violent, that women are more likely to be beaten.

    By teaching young boys that they don’t have to be macho to be a man and by teaching them to respect girls from an early age, it is possible to cut down on violence against women.

  20. 25 Kirk
    November 25, 2009 at 15:35

    Why do you have the word ‘Women’ in that question?

    How about we simply teach men not to hit…full stop.

    Any why limit it to men…there are women who hit too.

    So how about we teach that nobody should hit anybody?

  21. 26 Nanci
    November 25, 2009 at 15:38

    I have to say I do take exception to the two male posters on here saying that the emphasis needs to be on women who ‘want to be hit’.

    That’s the same blame the victim mentality that gets used with rape. Women were acting for it.

    There is a lot being done already to help women who are victims of violence.

    THe issue here is that more needs to be done to stop men from being violent in the first place. Hello?

    You definitely need both approaches—by all means provide counseling to women and help them wiht self-esteem.

    But please make it more and more socially unnacceptable for men to think it’s okay to hit women. Then women won’t need to deal with staying in an abusive relationship in the first place!!!!!!!

    • November 25, 2009 at 16:34

      Nanci,

      There is a huge difference between domestic violence and rape. Women do not pick their rapist. They do their mates. Long before the first violent attack in a relationship there are signs. The problem is that these “signs” are often attractive to women.

      It is not “blaming” women. I am simply calling a spade a spade. MRI imaging today has shown that women get a more stimulated response to images of strong men who obviously are more self centered. They also get more stimulated out of aggressive talk from a male. The males that act this way get the most and more symmetrical women. They are in fact “rewarded” for their violent behavior. Often with sex. The “gayish” sensitive guy, well he gets to be your best friend.

      I highly recommend the book “The Female Brain” by Lou Ann Brixendine MD.

      I am not making this stuff up. Amongst other irrational things. This summer I lost my wife who up and 130 hours after telling me I was the greatest man she ever met, and the luckiest wife in the world, she left. One of her many reasons, “she doesn’t deserve me.” “I am used to being treated more aggressively”. I wish she had told me that before bringing my child into this world. Now as mama seeks a “more aggressive relationship. My daughter will be the witness. And she will learn.

      • 28 Nanci
        November 25, 2009 at 17:31

        @Dwight,

        Thank you for sharing your own story. It does help me to understand where you are coming from.

        I hear what you are saying and I am sorry your wife left. What a total pain for you.

        I just think that for every story like yours out there, there are thousands more of women who have been beaten up by a male partner.

        You do have a point that many women have self-esteem issues and should work on them. But that doesn’t mean that men don’t have a responsibility too.

        There does need to be more effort on the male side of the equation on the specific problem of domestic violence and other forms of violence against women (one of which is rape). Men just should never hit women, full-stop. THey just shouldn’t and they should value women as equals and not as inferior things that they can just whale at when they are mad.

        Clearly from your example of yourself, you do not seem to be a man who treats women violently and I applaud you for that. However, I think you just don’t know the stats, I think it’s one out of 7 women, maybe more, that are beaten up by a male partner in the UK. THat is horrific and it needs to stop. Men are part of the problem.

  22. 29 Uzondu Esionye
    November 25, 2009 at 15:39

    This whole thing about domestic violence is quite difficult to handle, atleast from where I am in Liberia. There are men that are quite violent naturally, all because they saw just that during their childhood.There are some that are introduced to voilence some where along the line, and there are yet others that will do those things to be accepted among their peers and by the time you know it, voilence is all that they know. If we should consider all of these on a case by case basis, we will find out how to handle the issue. I tried practicing it myself, but it just did not work because I was never brought up that way, and it pains my heart now to see men beat up there partners.we should focus on the upcoming generation/the children, if we have to tackle the problem head on.Alcohol and drugs can be at the bottom of this social problem as well.

  23. 30 T
    November 25, 2009 at 15:42

    Yes they can. Ex: chris Brown assaulting Rhianna. “We were never taught not to do it.”

  24. 31 Dave in Florida
    November 25, 2009 at 15:43

    This is ridiculous. As usual WHYS is in sighting the myth that ALL men are nothing more than potential women beaters. Very poor journalism and the reason I seldom listen to WHYS anymore.

    I think I have only one final word for this show. Click.

    • 32 Roy, Washington DC
      November 25, 2009 at 16:55

      @ Dave in FL

      Nobody said that all men do it. Some do, and that’s an unfortunate fact. But why do they (a minority of men) do it? Perhaps that’s something that should be explored.

  25. 33 Tom Hastings
    November 25, 2009 at 15:44

    It is imperative that those who believe in the basic social norm of nonviolence say that out loud, teach that to all children, and disapprove out loud of violence when it occurs. Passivity in the face of ghastly behavior allows that norm to run rampant unchecked. In the end, education is key. I say these two separate but related things from my dual perspectives as a nonviolent activist and as a professor in a graduate program of conflict resolution. The problem of machismo needs to be assertively confronted even as we teach peace at all levels.

    • 34 Nanci
      November 25, 2009 at 16:03

      @Tom,

      Thanks for your response. As someone engaged on conflict resolution and non-violent activism as an activist and a PhD student, I agree.

      Cheers!

  26. 35 Roberto
    November 25, 2009 at 15:56

    RE “” 70 percent of women experience some form of physical or sexual violence from men “”
    —————————————————————————————-

    ———– Pretty simplistic conclusion. Who could claim to look at a problem with so little nuance?

    It’s known that many if not the majority of these women precipitated their batterings by their own physical assaults upon the man. Assaults are typically final stage of heated arguments between the two parties where one or both feel aggrieved or cheated.

    Never struck a woman in my life, but I’ve met enough who’s style of interaction is enough for me to retreat from any friendly or romantic relationship. There’s also the specter of the battered woman who seeks out abusive men to mistreat her.

    Be easy to turn this study around and claim 70% of men have suffered from physical assaults by other men. Do we now need classes to teach men not to hit each other?

    I think not. I’m not usually “worried” about anyone assaulting me, but one of my neighbors just the other day had to fight off two teens outside his girlfriend’s place who assaulted him when he discovered them trying to break in. Had she discovered them, they would’ve been included in this simplistic study apparently.

    Daft!

  27. 36 jens
    November 25, 2009 at 15:57

    how about teaching women not to hit?

    • November 25, 2009 at 19:46

      I really dont see the point of this debate… Equality doesnt exist even in heaven it does not! No amount of campaigning’ll ever change this instinctive phenomenon. I’m not in favour of violence by the way.

  28. 38 Donna
    November 25, 2009 at 15:59

    I grew up in a home where my father’s first response to any disagreement was to hit. My mother or us childre. He grew up in a violent home and only repeated what he saw. Mother finally left him with my two brothers and myself. She taught all of us that violence of any kind was wrong not just alittle wrong but grossly wrong. All of us were taught to channel that violent tendency into a more positive method of addressing the issue. Today my bothers are in their 50’s with adult sons of their own and NONE of them exhibit violence towards women. My own sons have been taught not to retaliate with violence towards anyone and they are teaching their sons the same. So yes I believe that people can be taught. Violence has to be stopped no matter who it is against

  29. November 25, 2009 at 16:02

    Yes,if women can be taught not to nag.

  30. 41 Malc Dow
    November 25, 2009 at 16:05

    I agree with Kirk et al, the planet would be a happier place if everyone just stopped hitting each other. So let’s get out of Afghanistan for a start… just for a start.

  31. 42 Jane
    November 25, 2009 at 16:08

    I work with violent offenders and without exception they had violent childhoods. We need to be thinking about violent parents and teach them how to rear children with calm consideration. The children will then treat others in the same way.

  32. 43 Peter
    November 25, 2009 at 16:11

    Let us learn not hit each other. Men , women , children and animals.

  33. 44 William Rojas In Chili
    November 25, 2009 at 16:17

    I think men can be taught not to hit women trough RESPECT. Here in Chile, – http://www.sernam.cl/noviolencia/ – One of four women face Physical abuse, and One of three, Psychological abuse.

    So, I think this is sth which will take many years in being solved correctly, i mean, we have to educate children and teach them that RESPECT must be practiced as a way of life, as a way of treating women and friends, and everybody as if they were ourselves, and of course, it takes time. it’ll be generations and generations of people, but doesn’t matter, because it’s a peaceful way of pulling it off.

  34. 45 Adington Mulenga
    November 25, 2009 at 16:18

    No matter what kind of teaching goes in on this, its an inert thing. Men tend to get violent one time or another as a way of showing the gender advantage. If its not domestic it will be sexual or something else. I love women too much that i can’t hit one but i got other bad ways of hopelessing them.

  35. 46 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 16:19

    @ Nanci

    The problem is, that with the catastrophic low self esteem that women have these days, they seek out these types of men because they produce more drama. I know plenty of guys who were dumped by women who went to abusive men. They need the drama. It’s a direct result of poor self esteem. Denying doesn’t fix the problem. Fix the self esteem, and women won’t go near these types of men. Denying it, and not dealing with it, will only make the situation worse and worse, because more women will be with guys like this, and their children will observe and repeat the behavior.

    • 47 Nanci
      November 25, 2009 at 17:25

      @Steve

      You didn’t read my full reply then. I said go ahead and deal with both issues, but put more emphasis now on the male side of the equation as it were.

      There is a lot of energy already going into working with womens who already were victims of domestic violence We need to put more time and attention in to now working with the male side of the equation and get men to stop beating women up.

      And your explanation, sorry, without the balance of addressing the male side of the equation, does sound like a blame the victim rant.

    • 48 Linda from Italy
      November 25, 2009 at 22:15

      So 70% of all the women in the world have “low self esteem” – basta with the physco-babble, let’s get real and acknowledge that men are opressing womem, in the name of religion, culture, tradition, etc. etc.
      An apologia for violence of any kind won’t wash any longer and we have not “brought it on ourselves” in any shape or form.

  36. 49 Denise in Chicago
    November 25, 2009 at 16:24

    There is NO EXCUSE to justify hitting a woman. Put these violent men in prison. Until they get the message, let’s teach women how to fight back. Martial arts training, perhaps. Give them a dose of their own medicine.

  37. 51 duckpocket
    November 25, 2009 at 16:25

    As one commentator said, your question is ludicrously simplistic and invites the following:

    I live on my own and rather than hit women, I miss them. Having been married twice, I wish I could be taught not to miss them.

    But perhaps you should ask the question, “Should men be taught not to WANT to hit women.” Though I have never hit a woman, I have to admit to being driven to distraction once or twice. Solution: Step outside the door and SCREAM.

    This is rather what I feel like doing right now.

    But before I go, might the answer not be polygamy? Safety in numbers, sister!

  38. 52 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 16:30

    @ Denise

    Rather than teaching women how to fight back, why not teach women to develop self esteem so they have nothing to do with these men in the first place?

    • 53 Denise in Chicago
      November 25, 2009 at 16:39

      Good idea, Steve. Unfortunately, that may be a tall order. I think if women feel that they can fight back, it may improve their self esteem.

    • 54 Linda from Italy
      November 25, 2009 at 22:44

      What is this women’s lack “self-esteem” nonsense? Some sort of comfort blanket?
      I was married to an abusive man for precisely 2 years, I have been married to a human being of the male gender for over 20 years, and I don’t see my earlier error as my own shortcoming, a mistake admittedly, but I got out of the situation because I was in a financial situation to do so, many women don’t – it’s not about self esteem, but sheer economics. .

  39. 55 Jessica
    November 25, 2009 at 16:31

    It is not the victims’ fault, but they need education to know that it isn’t their fault and there are places to seek help. The aggressors need education to break the cycle of violence.

    Any kind of abuse or violence against another, be it man, woman, child or animal, is wrong.

  40. 56 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 16:33

    Come on guys, tell your stories. Were you more successful with women by treating them well, or by not treating them so well (not talking about hitting). seems to me, and for everyone I know, if they are “nice” to a woman, she gets bored and moves on. This abuse thing is just a more extreme version of it. The low self esteem creates an intense desire for drama in relationships. Not know if he is going to hit you or not this week provides lots of drama I would imagine.

    • November 25, 2009 at 16:46

      Right steve,

      If I trained my Pittbull by rewarding him everytime he atacked the mailman with a piece of meat, Is it mine or the dogs fault. The “dog” learned he would be rewarded for his aggresive behavior.

      Again, biology drives this reality as much as society.

  41. 58 Gary Paudler
    November 25, 2009 at 16:48

    They were asking for it. I tried to reason with them but they pushed and pushed and finally I had no choice but to use my overwhelming force to alter their behavior, teach them a lesson, make an example of them, punish them and diminish their ability to annoy me in the future. That is no more reasonable, and no less pathological, when that rationale is applied to international relations or domestic violence. Our culture is steeped in might-makes-right mythology and violence is an accepted response to any real or perceived offense. Sure, let’s teach boys and men to not hit women, or anybody. Violence needs to be recognized as an abhorrent, anti-social behavior that is almost never appropriate. We need to recognize, and teach, that cartoonish, exaggerated depictions in movies or games are not representative of reality. A single blow can kill and there is no honor in prevailing with violence.

  42. 59 James
    November 25, 2009 at 16:50

    Absolutely men can be taught not to hit women…. If we are going to have class room type settings then girls need to be there also. If we are lucky real open dialog can take place and boys can be made to understand the deviating effects being struck by a man can have on women!
    The numbers expressed here don’t surprise me. I’d be more surprised if the numbers aren’t higher. We have scores of successful women who are in denial of being abused! I read and heard excuses like he only pushed me, or he helled me really tight, he blocked me from leaving, but he never struck me.
    Unfortunately, society has got to take over where parents have failed in this matter. More and more children are being raised by children!

  43. 60 Kate M.
    November 25, 2009 at 16:57

    Children should be taught at a young age on how to express their feelings. Whether it’s spanking a child, beating an animal, or hitting your partner, the reason is the same. Think about it – they cannot express their feelings, become frustrated, and it comes out as violence. I have witnessed firsthand children go from hitting each other to talking out their frustrations. If a three year old can learn it so can an adult.

  44. 61 Violet Kenyan in the UK
    November 25, 2009 at 17:03

    I find it hard to comprehend what some bloggers on this issue are suggesting that women are to blame for bing victims of domestic violence! whether women are provoking, illiterate or both, violence against them in relationships is simply explained thus :there is an inherent inferiority complex in men who are still negotiating their place within ‘hegemonic masculinities’ who project this repression on ‘weaker’ members of society, often those close to them, and most likely wome period
    And so fo me as a gender academic, i see men who hit women as being inherently inferior and nursing chronic complexes in their own lives!!!

    • 62 Nanci
      November 25, 2009 at 17:22

      Violet, I could tell you were a gender academic! Me too! Yes, hegemonic masculinities and all of that

      I agree with your comments. Glad to see someone else posting on this from an academic perspective that actually knows something about what they are talking about! 🙂

      It astonishes me that some of the people here are actually blaming the victims.

  45. 63 Ron S.
    November 25, 2009 at 17:04

    I was taught at a very young age to respect my elders, respect women and to respect myself.

    The very THOUGHT of doing anything violent to a woman appalls me. And ANY man out there who feels there is nothing wrong with abusing a woman (no matter the circumstance) IS NOT A MAN…PERIOD!

    It starts with the parents, disciplining them early. But remember gents…Women bring YOU into the world, not the other way around…think how YOU would feel if a man struck your mother/daughter/sister….you think about that.🙂

  46. 64 patti in cape coral
    November 25, 2009 at 17:06

    Wow Steve, I understand your point, but your insistence on seeing women as the only responsible party makes it seem like men should not be held responsible for their behavior.

  47. 65 Kate M.
    November 25, 2009 at 17:07

    Hitting someone does not teach discipline or respect, only fear. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.

  48. 66 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 17:15

    @ Patti

    You are misreading what I’m writing. I’m not saying women are the only responsible party. What I am saying is that given their self esteem, they are seeking out these kinds of men. Until you fix it, the problem, if a man is rightfully punished, and goes to jail, she will only move on to another man who abusive. Nothing is learned. Fix the problem, and you won’t have women seeking out these men, and there will be no women for those men to abuse. Denying it will only perpetuate it. Do you want to fix the problem or just provide some feel good measures?

    • 67 patti in cape coral
      November 25, 2009 at 17:47

      Steve- Sorry if I misread, but in my earlier posts I suggested addressing the problem by helping both men and women, not just one sex, as you suggest. Do you think men need any help with this, or do you think solely by increasing women’s self-esteem that will fix the problem of men being abusive? Do you really think that abusive men will stop being abusive only through women’s actions? Do you think there will be a shortage of victims? I’m not sure what you mean by feel-good measures. If you mean the ones already suggested, such as teaching women to defend themselves, addressing self-esteem issues, teaching about respect, self-esteem, and responsiblity for your actions at a young age (both boys and girls), they seem like good things to try.

    • 68 patti in cape coral
      November 25, 2009 at 18:29

      Sorry Steve, my earlier response to you disappeared. In any case, SOME women may be seeking abusive men, and this may be due to low self-esteem, in which case better parenting and counseling for the woman may be helpful. It ‘s just that your argument seems very lopsided if you don’t address the issue of why it is so easy to find these abusive men, possibly because this is what they saw growing up, or they have low self-esteem issues themselves. “Fixing” women and ignoring the part men play in it is not going to fix the problem.

  49. 69 guykaks
    November 25, 2009 at 17:19

    i feel ashamed and very bitter when i hear of men who batter their spouses?it is a primitive idea and we should not take this matter lightly!!laws should be put to curb this barbaric act

  50. 70 Colin Sundaram
    November 25, 2009 at 17:25

    25. 11. 09

    It is very difficult to make men stop hitting women. The reason is very simple; men know that they are physically superior to women so that they will win the fight. How many men will dare to hit another man when they are in disagreement with other men. They will think twice before hitting a man because they are fearful that the other guy will return his punch. You cannot change the biological set up of male and human bodies. I do not hit my wife because I feel ashamed of beating somebody who cannot hit back. So many times when I quarrelled with my wife I wanted to kick her –s but I refrained from physical abuse by asking myself would I hit a man when I am having a dispute with him. Certainly not because I’m afraid of the counter punch. Teaching a male child that it is a shame to hit or thrash someone whose physical ability is inferior to his. One will forget all the good lessons taught at home or school when he is under the influence of intoxicants is another reason why vilolence takes place against women. Punishing men who abuse their opposite sex by enacting stringent rules may deter some from indulging in violence. Murder takes place in countries where death by hanging or beaheading is in force. I do not think there is an exilir for this social disease however, by educating and implementing strict measures to a certain extent women’s suffering from physical abuse can be reduced. Or make it compulsory for every female child to practice Karate until she obtains a black belt then men will think thrice before raising their hands.

  51. 71 Julie P
    November 25, 2009 at 17:27

    I wonder why it’s acceptable to be aggressive and violent on the man’s part, yet blame the women for being beaten on. It looks like there are two people involved.

  52. 72 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 17:32

    Teaching women to fight is only a bandaid solution. Will we just be a society of people who are fighting with each other? Rather than put a bandaid on the problem, SOLVE the problem by working on women’s self esteem so they don’t see out abusive guys, and then abusive guys will have nobody to abuse.

  53. 73 Tamatoa, Zurich
    November 25, 2009 at 17:43

    Of course we (I’m male) can be taught not to use violence on women, just like women can learn not to use psychological violence on men.

    But humans have the ability to be martyrs. They make the ultimate sacrifice: They prefer death rather than acting against their principles. This mainly happens in religion. But only because acting against your believes leads to eternal damnation. So death is a valid option. If we can make men understand that hitting women leads to eternal damnation or even just the electric chair. Men would be able to contain themselves much more.

    But we mustn’t forget. Martyrdom is an extrem action. “Normal” people all have a pain threshold past which they cannot contain themselves because they then fight for survival – be it psychological or the body. When you are faced with death normal rules no longer apply. Anything that helps you to survive can be justified. So absolute elimination is impossible because I don’t think we all have the strength to become martyrs.

  54. 74 Alan in Arizona
    November 25, 2009 at 17:57

    We shouldn’t have to hit anyone. Responsibility is on the parents. Kids are sponges and we can teach them anything. I don’t think any of my sons would ever hit their wives or girl friends unless it was in self defense. I grew up raised by my mother after my father died and I greatly appreciated her, like my father did. She taught me that violence never helps but do not let a girl friend or wife hit me more than once. So in all my relationships I made it clear that I do hit and will not take it. I still keep in contact with many old girl friends who will always be my friends. Shortly after I got married my wife slapped me hard in anger! I slapped her back but not as hard and told her never hit me again. It’s been 24 years of a happy peaceful marriage with an occasional love slap on the tush. She is my most trusted friend and we have 3 wonderful boys. Not perfect, but not violent! They are grown boys after all and are in good relationship. I treated my wife and sons love and respect and our sons did a good job of picking nice mates and are in good relationships with sweet little children of their own.

    Maybe we should make the parents of abusers just as responsible for the crime. Let them spend a year in prison as an example to younger parents.

  55. 75 Tom D Ford
    November 25, 2009 at 18:14

    “… and if women and children are being taught one thing, but the message they’re getting at home is very different, how much can really change?”

    I suggest that the message that people get in Churches, Temples, and Mosques ought to be looked into.

    I believe that the three branches of the Abraham “One God” Religion, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, all have some version of the King Salomon instruction to parents that “if they spare the rod they will spoil the child”. This is the major root cause of and justification for domestic violence. Kings had to keep their subjects beaten and intimidated into obedient submission and the evil genius of King Salomon was that he trained parents to do that job for him.

    But now that we have left the era of Kings behind and are in the beginnings of the era of Democracies we need to have the people raise courageous citizens and so we need to put a stop to the King Salomon instruction about parenting.

    So I think that we need to enlist the religious institutions in the drive against domestic violence, help them to teach their religious communities that King Salomon was wrong and that we now have modern scientifically researched and proven methods of parenting without domestic violence that bring about desired behaviors.

  56. 76 Anna
    November 25, 2009 at 18:16

    I remember in the early 1980s some women in Sydney wanted to march with war veterans to highlight the most common war crime – rape – there was outrage and the women had to withdraw – really it still seems as if violence against women is still regarded as a minor infraction. Anna, Melbourne

  57. 77 Anthony
    November 25, 2009 at 18:27

    What we need to do is change the definition of what “physical or sexual violence” is. Spanking a woman on the butt is considered sexual assault. Not letting your wife out of the house is kidnapping, and pushing your wife after she hits you is wife beating. It’s a stupid system that needs to be teared, because it makes men look bad.

    -Anthony, LA, CA

  58. 78 Donnamarie in Switzerland
    November 25, 2009 at 18:30

    My husband comes from a well-off, well-educated, non-violent family. He has a PhD in physics, and has never been in a physical fight in his life. One night, after 22 years of marriage, he cracked open my skull, giving me a concussion, a black eye and a scar.

    Why? Because his control-freak streak was getting more pronounced as he got older, and I was trying to regain a little autonomy in my life. I’ve got it now, I’m divorcing him.

    Sometimes, guys hit. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with culture, level of education, economic situation, early family life or personal history of non-violence. Sometimes, guys just lose it and hit. And what the woman who was hit should do is clear: get out, right now, if there is any way at all that you can.

    • November 25, 2009 at 23:13

      Donnamarie,

      The same thing happened to me. Only it was my wife attacking me. I believe that she was reacting to antidepressants that also drove alcohol consumption. Something fell out of balance with your husband. It can happen naturally, just as some people become diabetic. It very often happens when people are placed on personality altering drugs.

    • 80 Tom K in Mpls
      November 26, 2009 at 19:24

      Not knowing the important subtleties, your reaction seems at least a little hash, but not unreasonable. It would be nice if something else could be done that would give his action no support.

  59. 81 T
    November 25, 2009 at 18:47

    Yes. But getting the word out doesn’t mean reality TV shows where everything is hyped for ratings. It means having a factual and honest debate about the subject.

    Yet, I don’t think the MSM is ready for that. If you don’t believe me, look at the “debates” society’s had about “race.”

  60. 82 Elias
    November 25, 2009 at 18:55

    In Canada the violence of men hitting women or children is a serious offence, the police intervene and the offender has to go to court. Conversely the same applies if a woman commits the offence, it is common knowledge, but it still happens, perhaps less.
    Children are mostly dependant on their mother, so that any harm to their mother will have a devastating effect on the children.
    Violence between a husband and wife is caused for many reasons, alcohol, drugs, jealousy, greed, nagging, money problems and so on, it cannot be elimated completely, but the law against violence to another person, wether man woman or child should be enforced vigorously as a deterrent.
    A child growing up who experiences violence at home may very well behave in the same way later in life.
    The idea of teaching children from a young age in schools is a good idea, for what they learn as youngsters may prevail in their thoughts later in life for the better.

  61. 83 Kevin PE
    November 25, 2009 at 18:56

    The minute a man strikes a woman or anybody much weaker physically, he has lost the battle, the war, and the argument, all. Everything that the man believes has justified/caused his attack is gone, never existed – only the assault remains. On that one action alone, will the conflict be remembered. Men who are apt to lash out physically are really reacting to an inner fear – a fear of rejection, a fear of loss and the greatest fear – loss of control/power. Certainly, woman are sometimes an active ingredient in the end result and would be the wiser not to add fuel to the fire, especially when they themselves sometimes initiate the physical stuff, however this can never be an excuse for physical retaliation by a man for the reason stated above and obviously because it is just plain wrong. There is much too high an incident rate for this social problem not to be studied seriously and understood, without the “boys don’t hit girls” verbiage. Without a clearer understanding of the cause and effect, it’s like saying “good people don’t steal”. Finally, I believe that the proposed action of teaching woman self-defense together with possible retaliatory techniques will get them seriously hurt in a domestic conflict. I am also not so sure about the potential results elsewhere.

  62. 84 a woman
    November 25, 2009 at 18:59

    It all depends on the upbringing. or values that are though to the kids.

    On the whole, i have seen most men feeling threatened by a capable woman. Its is their insecurities that they are trying to hide.nothing else.

    Weaker/incapable the man the more aggressive he try’s to act sooo ………..

    There is no excuse for violence. there will never be.

  63. November 25, 2009 at 19:01

    Steve keeps talking about womens lack of self esteem.Could the boot not be on the other foot? Low self esteem in men could be responsible for violence.The victor in anything,always has a raised esteem of themselves,even if only temporary.

  64. November 25, 2009 at 19:02

    Violence is abhorrent. Respect of men for women and vice versa should be the cardinal rule. Children should be inculcated with wholesome values like respecting their parents and having special regard for their mothers who brought them into this world. It is a fact that women go through a very difficult time during their pregnancy and should be given a lot of consideration at all times. Men who abuse women are no better than barbarians. We are living in an age of equality and emancipation where physical force has no place in the 21st century. Children who are taught to respect their mothers and sisters generally grow up into lovely human beings;

  65. 87 CJ McAuley
    November 25, 2009 at 19:06

    There is NO excuse for ANY man to strike ANY woman. PERIOD! If the relationship is not providing one’s needs, there is a simple solution: walk away.

  66. 88 Joe M
    November 25, 2009 at 19:06

    NPR this morning did a story called – “In Japan, ‘Herbivore’ Boys Subvert Ideas Of Manhood”

    One answer to your question can be found here in that some of the new generation boys are now called girlie boys and they are embracing that description.

    another quote at the top of the story:

    “The sensitive New Age man has finally arrived in the land of the salaryman. But there is a catch — a particularly important one in Japan, where the declining birthrate has caused alarm: The new Japanese man doesn’t appear to be interested in women or sex.”

    so it goes

    • 89 Tom K in Mpls
      November 26, 2009 at 19:27

      One can only hope there is a natural switch in us humans to combat overpopulation. To bad it takes a population density as high as we see in Japan.

  67. 90 margaret
    November 25, 2009 at 19:07

    Yes they can but there are a lot of role models out there that seem to support violence; there are whole cultures that apparently directly or indirectly support violence as a way of handling things, including violence against women–these cultures seem to view women as objects and perhaps less than human–certainly as beings unequal to themselves. I also wonder how much of this is hardwired into the biology of humans. I think you can get used to using violence as an acceptable means of expressing yourself and getting your way. At least the Abrahamic religions of the world seem to support men dominating and controlling women, and the desire to dominate can be the first step to violence.

    Margaret Tacoma, Wa

  68. 91 Crispo, Uganda
    November 25, 2009 at 19:07

    I love my mother a lot that now i realise its bad to hit women. I’ve been there whenever she’d been hit. She did it all for us. Her presence has helped us get education.

    What bothers me though is, how can men including me made to understand that we are there to protect women and not hit them? Are we simply taking advantage of our physical supremancy to thwart them aside, when we know they are telling us the right thing?

    Am afraid no education isn’t going to change this. Lets try sensitisation. I believe that would reduce the cases.

    I’ve realised that since it pained me when my dad used to hit my mum, it definately is wrong. Beating solves nothing, but dialogue and a little bit of understanding from both sides works.

    Let me make it clear that, women had stop provoking men at times. I don’t know why one thinks its okay for a woman to be overwhelmed emotional and not a man. Some women are into the habit of provoking women even when they know they aren’t up to a physical confrontation, just under the pretext that men aren’t supposed to beat them.

    In conclusion therefore, if we are adopting education men, why not educate women as well?

  69. 92 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 19:09

    David, that’s a good point, but it doesn’t stop these people from seeking each other out. So long as they do, there will be women getting beaten. The question is, do you want this to stop? If so, then you admit what the problems are, then work on them. They both have low self esteem.

  70. 93 Fragoulis Garoufalis
    November 25, 2009 at 19:09

    My father used to beat my mother on many occasions but I have never raised a hand to harm my girlfriends. No one taught me, i just knew.
    I find it repulsive and dishonorable, men who hit women for any reason other than self defense are cowards.

  71. 94 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 19:11

    @ Joe

    I’ve heard that about herbivore men in Japan. The reality is that not that they’re not interested in women, women are not interested in them because they aren’t what women would consider as masculine, dangerous, or attractive.. They are “nice guys” and hence fail with women. This is why thugs are always having women fight for them, and nice guys have no women interested in them. These herbivores are just highly feminized men which women find repulsive, more so than abusers.

  72. 95 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 19:12

    Also, I don’t think this is limited to just men hitting women. Women hit men, and women hit other women. When I was in grade school, the only fight I ever saw was two girls beating the cr&p out of each other.

  73. 96 Nicola Hughes
    November 25, 2009 at 19:15

    It’s not just a matter of beating a woman, being physically or sexually violent. Predisposition may arise from childhood and the home but society as a whole has a greater interest. It is a matter of how much a woman is worth and where her worth lies. That is a social issue and if that is not changed women will always be at risk.

  74. November 25, 2009 at 19:17

    Can we be honest?

    Is there an aspect of violent men, or violence in men, that some women find attractive?

    There is no doubt: in a society or population where females have choice, males augment their behavior and or physical characteristics in order to attract females.

    Lets be real…
    there is no excuse for domestic violence, however the quickest way to stop it is for women to choose men who do not exhibit this behavior.

  75. 98 Sair in Vancouver
    November 25, 2009 at 19:17

    There is no excuse for violence of any kind. Provoked or unprovoked. I find it unbelievable that views like some of the above still exist. I am sure some men sharing their views on here are still in the dark age. However, this isn’t just an issue of ‘men hitting women’ it’s a further example of a male dominated society where we accept that men are the dominate force. As such, violence against women can’t be changed until across the board other elements in society begin to change. It’s a much wider problem than domestic violence. It’s easy to say ‘yes, I beat my wife but it’s unacceptable’ but what does that really mean? What is anyone really going to do about this? We need to change the wider mind set.

  76. 99 Constantine from New York
    November 25, 2009 at 19:21

    I believe we already have a method of deturring the use of violence, its called jail.

  77. 100 CJ McAuley
    November 25, 2009 at 19:21

    Real nice cop-out, George(on the show). I’m so glad to know that Neanderthals exist to this day. Maybe you should keep in touch with Sergio.

  78. 101 ntamn ephraim
    November 25, 2009 at 19:22

    the emphasis should be on violence on anyone not just women. after all i know men who are being hit every day by their wives and cannot complain because of the fear to be seen as weak in the eyes of the society. violence against any body is a crime and should be punished not just violence against women. w omen’s rights are human rights. as men and women we have our unique role to play and if we do just that they will be peace.

  79. 102 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 19:22

    A woman I used to date, quickly got married to some guy, gets pregnant, and then finds herself in a battered woman’s shelter while 6 months pregnant. Of course she goes back to him. She has rock bottom self esteem, and needs this drama to be “happy”. She would have been bored being treated well, and her child will suffer for it.

    There is No shortage of women who find these kinds of men attractive because of the drama being involved with them provides. They are addicted to the drama. This is why the few “bad boys” have so much of the female population interested in them, and the “nice guys” fail with women. There of course is no excuse for violence, but you have to ask why these guys are so popular with women.

  80. 103 Joost from Rotterdam
    November 25, 2009 at 19:23

    Madu, I think there still are females who are beaten.
    in which way does the government want to prevent this?

  81. 104 Mike S.
    November 25, 2009 at 19:23

    My girlfriend, now fiancee, and I both have some anger and agression issues, so instead of taking out our raw agression out on each other in an uncontrolled form we both decided to take martial arts classes. Now when we both get angry or frustrated with each other we agree to engage in mutual martial arts combat. We both pad up and will spar hand to hand, with kendo swords or stick fight. The martial arts chi training has taught us to control and channel our agression into a constructive form. Of course we have set rules, no vital or mortal strikes, no strikes outside of the padded areas and no facial strikes. It gives us a way that we can fight with each other without crossing any lines.

  82. 105 Tom K in Mpls
    November 25, 2009 at 19:25

    Not that I agree but this question needs to be asked. Since so many cultures have included different degrees of violence, who is to say it is not part of what it takes to get us where we are? And maybe even to progress. It is wrong to always assume your beliefs are irrefutable.

    • 106 patti in cape coral
      November 25, 2009 at 21:27

      Hi Tom – Maybe the degrees of violence in different cultures have held us back and we would have progressed further without it. I guess it’s impossible to know.

      • 107 Tom K in Mpls
        November 26, 2009 at 19:33

        The Grand Experiment called life. Keeping it active is why I dislike the idea of a strong central government and international meddling. Those with the best system for the times will do the best. The rest can learn and adapt the ideas to their unique situation.

  83. 108 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 19:28

    Also, there’s a difference between the west in Africa. Maybe i’m ignorant, but I think there is more of a women’s rights movement in the west, and women are more financially independent in the west, so in Africa, these women have less ability to choose who they marry, or to leave a relationship, whereas in the west, women have more independence, and can have the ability to leave. But they don’t.

  84. 109 Tom D Ford
    November 25, 2009 at 19:29

    “Margaret Morrissey, of the Parents Outloud campaign group said: “The Government should stop interfering with parents bringing up their children”.”

    US Congressman Pete Hoekstra (MI-2) of Michigan is also an advocate of domestic violence just like Morrissey.

    They want to be able to beat their children without any police authority interfering to protect the children. They are Conservatives, of course.

  85. 110 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 19:30

    I recall sitting on the couch watching The Departed on my couch with my then girlfriend, and when the ending occurred, and Leonardo Dicaprio is killed, she hated that that had happened, and just started punching me in the arm, the head. We both kinda laughed, and said “guess you were upset with how it ended.” Had the roles been reversed, I would have been in jail. There are some double standards involved. Why was it okay for her to punch me, and hard, because she didn’t like how a movie ended? Why is it even funny? Even I thought it was funny. But there is a double standard here.

    • 111 patti in cape coral
      November 25, 2009 at 20:10

      That doesn’t sound funny to me at all. Maybe it’s just one of those things that you just had to be there. This is really as simple as the golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you -to be followed by both woman and man!

  86. 112 Greg Hood
    November 25, 2009 at 19:30

    You have to be kidding me!!!!!

    This man thinks he has the right to hit his wife or any woman for discipline. I am outraged and have one request. Please allow me to spend 2 weeks with this man and discipline him each time he makes a mistake or needs disciplined.
    He is a coward and an embarrassment to men all over the world and of any ethinicity or culutural background.

    You have my permission to give him my email address.

    Greg

  87. 113 Pravesh
    November 25, 2009 at 19:32

    George is by far the most pathetic person i’ve ever heard on the radio. To make such statements, one should be totally illiterate. My advice to George: cultivate yourself.

    From Pravesh, Canada.

  88. November 25, 2009 at 19:32

    Why should men beat women and why one should beat each other. No, I don’t think anybody have any right to beat other. If one performs their duties perfectly there is no need to interfere into others matter.

    I think one have to be arrested and trailed for committing crime even if it is a matrimonial matter.

    Thanks.

    Regards,
    Mudra.

  89. 116 suzanne
    November 25, 2009 at 19:36

    who knows what men are capable of being taught???

    BUT woe to the man who EVER strikes me!
    I would kill in self-defense if necessary without regret.

    My father NEVER laid a hand on my mother, nor has
    my father-in-law, nor has my husband ever hit me.
    we are equals.

    There is NO excuse for that behavior & no female
    should ever tolerate such a man.

  90. 117 dawn lonsinger
    November 25, 2009 at 19:37

    I’m sorry, but I find the question “Can men be taught not to hit women?” an absurd question which implicitly proliferates the problem. We prize our ability as human beings to adapt, learn, and become civilized. This question suggests men are like wild animals that need to be tamed; there is NO EXCUSE for VIOLENCE against another individual. It’s hubris and infantilizing. Rather than asking “can men be taught not to hit women?” perhaps we should be looking to the bigger cultural construct of the constant depiction of masculinity as violent and aggressive that the media, governments, religions, and tribalism all perpetuate.

    Sincerely, dawn lonsinger
    Salt Lake City, UT

  91. 118 Jennifer Willis
    November 25, 2009 at 19:37

    One aspect of domestic violence I’ve not yet heard addressed in this program is the lasting psychological and emotional damage that’s done when men beat women.

    I was in an abusive relationship in college. That was twenty years ago, and although I have spent years healing and do believe I’ve “gotten over it,” I still have nightmares about that violent man — just last night, in fact.

    At 40 years old, I have never married, nor have I co-habitated with a boyfriend.

    The physical wounds heal much faster than the deep scars left on our psyches.

  92. 119 N.J.
    November 25, 2009 at 19:37

    What of physical violence in self defense. I know of a case where the woman was extremely verbally abusive of the man, and at times would even attempt acts of physical violence. The man once SLAPPED the woman who was engaged in the act of threatening them with a knife. Virtually chasing them around with a knife.

    Sometimes the actual cases are far more complex than one party being innocent and the other being guilty

  93. November 25, 2009 at 19:39

    Why should men beat women and why should one beat other. I think no one has any right to beat others despite of having a physical strength.

    In my opinion one must have to be trialed for committing crime if one beats other even if is a matrimonial matter.

    Thank you.

    Regards,
    Mudra.

  94. 121 Tom D Ford
    November 25, 2009 at 19:40

    One thing to do is look for examples of cultures in the world where they don’t have such problems, where parents teach by example, by role modeling respect for each other and for their children. They don’t hit each other and they don’t hit their children. And the children don’t grow up to hit each other.

    One such example that I know of is Bali where a version of the Hindu religion prevails. They have such respect for children that when a baby is born it is not allowed to touch the ground for something like 120 days because it is considered to have come directly from the presence of “God’.

    So. Can we learn something from the people of Bali? They have learned to live without domestic violence and are a great example for the rest of us.

  95. 122 Elina, Finland
    November 25, 2009 at 19:41

    Domestic violence (and there are also women who hit their partners – although it’s often a silenced secret as it’s usually regarded as even more shameful and ”sick” than men hitting their wives or girlfriends) is often a manifestation, or a form, of deep mutual dependency between the one who hits and the one who is hit, they both need each other. However, a balanced, mentally and emotionally healthy person usually has the resources to leave the violent relationship in time, understanding that if he/she hits once, then he/she will hit again, sooner or later. But there is a great number of those who stay, both men and women, in fear of being left alone, for example. It often takes years for them to understand the root causes of their dependencies and find the ways to get help and their way out of the misery.

  96. November 25, 2009 at 19:42

    Yes there is a double standard between men hiiting women vs women hitting men. Because there is a differential in power. Therefore the different standard is neccessary.

  97. 124 Neil
    November 25, 2009 at 19:43

    The topic of female on male physical abuse should also be addressed. I was engaged to a woman I loved deeply, and I was often “disciplined.” I finally took steps to leave the relationship when a glass candle holder was hurled at my head.

    Women can be every bit as violent as men – perhaps even more so because it is socially humiliating for a man to flee an abusive woman.

  98. 125 Nikki
    November 25, 2009 at 19:43

    I am an African woman, and I am stunned by George’s comments. He sounds like a Neanderthal. It’s sad to think that there are millions of him out there. I am appalled by all his comments. Who gave him the torch and told him to raise her? She’s been raised by her parents and now it’s time for them to share their lives together.

  99. 126 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 19:43

    A friend of mine was dating a very crazy woman, and one day he told her it was over, and she punched her arm through a window and seriously hurt her arm. He took her to the emergency room, fully prepared to get arrested becaues he wasn’t going to know if she was going to claim he did it to her, or that the hospital authorities would think he did it. So he went expecting to go to jail,but fortunately she was honest and admitted that she did it. But he told me how concerned he was about going to jail for something he didn’t even do.

  100. 127 Adam
    November 25, 2009 at 19:44

    It is the basest and most animal of instincts to respond to a situation with violence. It is directly related to the fight-or-flight instinct. When a person feels he or she does not have control of a situation, he or she often turns to trying to control or manipulate the physical environment or others, and in this case that means violence. The truth is, we can only control ourselves, not anyone or anything else. When we resort to violence, we have given our power over to someone. It means we no longer feel that we have power, and so we blame other people. We must recognize that nothing outside of us can control us and take responsibility for our emotions and actions, and when we do, we no longer have to resort to violence.

    In George’s case, in Nairobi, I feel that it says something about lesser developed nations that they still feel it is all right to resort to violence and act on their animalistic fight-or-flight tendencies. They are just trying to realize their power, however misguided their actions may be. There is an evolution and maturation of thought that has not occurred in those nations, perhaps because they feel powerless on a greater scale, as a nation. When those nations mature as a whole, when they gain greater power and control of themselves, they can realize they don’t have to physically control or harm other people in order to have contentment within themselves.

    • 128 Nikki
      November 25, 2009 at 20:10

      Adam, now you’re making a generalization. I am African and I don’t have any knowledge of wife abuse or violence as being part of our culture. Just because you hear the comments of a deranged man doesn’t mean that every African is that way. And you talk less developed countries embracing violence. Are you sure that only third world countries are violence happy? Think about it. Your generalization is like saying all Americans are fat.

      • 129 Adam
        November 26, 2009 at 17:35

        Nikki, you have missed my point. My point is about people realizing the need to learn to control themselves and not other people or situations. We have our fair share of domestic violence or wife battering here in the US, and if you’ll excuse my generalization, it happens mostly among the poor and uneducated, which is what I would term “lesser developed.” That is not to say that certain individuals are not educated or have some money among that status group, but it is a norm, almost a tradition among some families. It is good that in your life situation there is no cultural history of domestic violence, but you can find other comments from people in African countries on this blog that say it is normal among African nations to beat the wife. Who knows which is more prevalent?

        In any case, trying to control something outside of oneself shows that one has lost his power, and given it over to whichever situation or person that he feels does not fit into his vision of what he wants. For any man to try to prove his dominance or power through an act of violence is to completely disprove and lose his power completely. It is more a show of the lack of self-control and lack of power.

  101. 130 Brownstocking
    November 25, 2009 at 19:44

    I am floored at the thought that some man, who is not Jesus, Allah, or Buddha, thinks that he should discipline women as if we’re children. Marriage doesn’t make a woman your property.

    And Steve, that was abuse. If she was seriously punching you because of her frustration, she has control issues. If you think it was funny, clearly you didn’t press charges, but you would have been right to do so.

    Also, if you don’t know what the cycle of abuse is, you really can’t weigh in on women in the West and why they don’t leave. That’s another topic for another day, but it’s never as simple as “leave.”

  102. 131 Mara
    November 25, 2009 at 19:44

    The men said they are “correcting” their loved one by slapping them. If that is true, why are their wives not allowed to “correct” them by slapping them?

    Mara
    Indiana, US

  103. 132 viola
    November 25, 2009 at 19:45

    The question I would ask someone who says low self-esteem women invite abuse by only being interested in men who are willing to abuse her is: Would you personally enter into a relationship with such a woman if you knew beforehand that being in a relationship with her requires you to be abusive? If so, why?

  104. November 25, 2009 at 19:45

    Use of the rationale “to correct her” reflects the parental attitude and presumed right to dominate women among some men. This is a product of male fear of women and insecurity in the face of female autonomy, e.g., to leave him or to choose another partner which is a deep threat to his masculinity.

  105. 134 john
    November 25, 2009 at 19:45

    who are these morons and why are they on the radio.Beating or slaping is never an ansewer and can not be justified

  106. 135 Gary
    November 25, 2009 at 19:46

    Humans will NEVER respond positively to being hit, in any way, regardless of gender or age. Men MUST be taught about the effects & consequences of violence, since men are biologically inclined to violence as a natural behavior.

  107. 136 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 19:46

    @ Brown

    Honestly, at the time, I ddin’t think it was a big deal, and if I called the police, which I surely wouldn’t have wanted her going to jail, I would have to pay her legal fees as well.

    Yes, it is simple as leaving when you are physically and financially able to leave. Even if you have no money, you can go to a shelter. Those who don’t leave are addicted to it. You can leave if you want to.

  108. 137 Tara in Florida
    November 25, 2009 at 19:48

    These men can not answer why they still beat their wives even if it doesn’t work because the only reason they beat their women is because they LIKE it. They like being a big man in control and they like being violent. Of course they wouldn’t want their wives to beat them back, because that’s no fun. All the fun should be theirs because they were born with penises and of course (us silly women) that automatically gives them the right to do whatever they wish. I spit on you, men who beat women. I’m only 5’4, 120 lbs and I’m a woman and I would love to see my husband try to beat me, as long as he is ready to get beaten in return.

  109. 138 Al
    November 25, 2009 at 19:50

    This is one of the dumbest discussions possible about a very serious problem. It’s dominated by a man who doesn’t even claim to have rational reasons for his behavior. It shouldn’t have taken more than a few seconds to understand his “position”.

    • 139 Linda from Italy
      November 25, 2009 at 22:08

      Al,
      we need to hear these guys, horrendous as it might seem, in order to try to make them see that there is another wayy. OK it might be their “culture” but culture is a living evolving thing and just as female genital mutilation is gradually being outlawed in many societies, we have to fight to do away with the idea that men have a right to decide what is right and wrong for women and to see that the other half of the population have equally valid opinions and can decide, on equal terms, how they wish to live their lives.

  110. 140 Sair in Vancouver
    November 25, 2009 at 19:51

    Unsure if anyone here has read the novel ‘Shantaram’ but there is a character named Joseph who beats his wife and is subjected to the same treatment from the men around him. It is violent and shakes your beliefs. He is taken away from his wife and is rehabilitated and becomes one of the leaders of the slum. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind indeed, but….by subjecting the criminal to the violence it teaches a lesson, but the major part is that Joseph is rehabilitated – this is something which I think is not impossible but it may involve something major – like the threat of never seeing your wife again, without the use of violence.

  111. 141 Serena
    November 25, 2009 at 19:52

    I think great attention should be given to violence against women and girls being committed in the name of family honour, so called honorary crimes. I am currently reading a book about personal stories of women who were either badly injured or killed in the name of honour not to shame a family’s name. Such practices are so culturally rooted that innovative educational ways have to be created to instil in men a culture of peace and respect.

  112. 142 Alex
    November 25, 2009 at 19:52

    There IS discipline in love. However, you discipline your children, not your wife. If a child is going to touch a hot element, you slap their hand. This is discipline, because they don’t understand “don’t touch that.” Your wife, however, is a grown woman. She is educated, and she can negotiate. Marriage is a partnership. She does not require discipline, she requires you work with her, you work together.

    Alex, from Edmonton, Canada

    • 143 Linda from Italy
      November 25, 2009 at 21:27

      Sorry, you don’t slap kids, just as you don’t slap women. In the case of a kid getting into a dangerous situation, you remove them from the danger and reason with them, and yes, you can explain things to toddlers.
      This is actually exactly the same argument about “discipling/correcting” wives that used to be applied to children- faulty logic?

  113. 144 Nikki
    November 25, 2009 at 19:53

    Okay, what exactly is the origin of the culture of abusing wives that George keeps eluding to?

  114. 145 Gavin, Wales
    November 25, 2009 at 19:53

    Everyone must accept that talking to resolve quarrels requires a strong range of communication skills. It is inexcusable when a man claims that violence is justified because he believes that dialogue cannot succeed. Instead, he must find better ways of expressing his grievances.

  115. 146 Tom K in Mpls
    November 25, 2009 at 19:54

    Two things. The blanket assumptions and blind rules being stated both for and against violence are comically absurd.

    Also, why have I often seen people criticized by Africans for grouping all African people, nations and cultures, yet all Africans I am hearing are doing it ( have done ) without others criticizing.

  116. 147 Jane Reinoso
    November 25, 2009 at 19:55

    When I hear George say that he believes it is necessary to hit his wife to “correct” her, I feel very sad for both George and his wife because I believe that it is not only possible, but preferable for men and women to live together in peace and harmony with each other. I would like George to listen to my story:
    My husband and I have lived together for many years, and neither one of us has ever hit the other. One of the reasons I love my husband so much is his strong belief that he should never hit his wife, no matter what. We have had disagreements, and our language to each other has been violent on some level when we disagree with each other. A few years ago, I discovered a new language of non-violence that teaches us how to talk to each other about our differences without violence even in our words. This has enriched our life together so tremendously and increased my husband’s pleasure and enjoyment in our life together.
    When I hear you say your wife has been very stubborn, I hear that you have needs that your wife is not meeting for you; she also has needs that you are not meeting for her. If you can discuss your differences on a level of your feelings and needs, rather than what each person should be doing, you can come up with novel solutions that neither of you may have considered before.
    Finally, I believe that “correction” by physical means is a valid way to control animals–our dogs and horses–but not for speaking, human beings, be they female or male.

  117. 149 Jay
    November 25, 2009 at 19:55

    Mariage doesn’t make man smart than woman.
    George is dangerous for the society and shame for Africa. Many people missunderstood African cultural and pretend to be civilise and stuck to useless tradion. I am from Africa,raise in poor, no matter the condition I was raise hit someone does make it right.

  118. 150 michelle McMurtry
    November 25, 2009 at 19:56

    It surprises me that we have not addressed the idea of self control. Among some members of my household and as seen in public displays of verbal violence…it is so obvious that those who raise a hand to anyone–has both 1.) lost self control; 2.) has run out of ideas/thoughts on ways to solve a situation. On both fronts the expression of violence is a direct expression of the man’s lack of personal/individual ability.

    Intelligent, caring and thoughtful members of society do not succumb to emotion & impulse–taking the easy/lazy last option of violence.

  119. 151 viola
    November 25, 2009 at 19:57

    Kudos to WHYS for airing this issue once again and kudos to the man who is willing to explain why he thinks it is O.K. to discipline his wife by hitting her. You are bringing into the open the truth: Men who beat their women believe it is their responsibility and their right to do so.

  120. November 25, 2009 at 19:57

    I think women aren’t calling, because they are just too horrified by the men that are trying to justify hitting women as being ok and an act of love! Really? These women, if they can need to just leave.

    • 153 Linda from Italy
      November 25, 2009 at 21:36

      YES, I nearly had a fit listening to George, felt like picking up the phone, but I was just too emotional to have any sort of rational discourse with someone who thinks it is his (for it always a he) right to “discipline” another human being.
      Pray what has this unfortunate woman done to warrant such “discipline”?
      Burnt the dinner?
      I suppose if he puts up a shelf, but then I suppose these men don’t do that sort of thing as they are for decorative purposes only, the woman is entitled to beat his brains out.
      HOW DARE HE????

  121. 155 Sherrie
    November 25, 2009 at 19:57

    Yes, research has shown that there is a give and take between female and male partners in the area of violence. Dr. Deborah Capaldi’s research at the Oregon Social Learning Center supports this.
    However, I do believe this is more common in the United States than in other parts of the world.

    What I am hearing on air right now is more of a cultural debate. And, I believe that George is justifying his behavior by hiding behind his cultural beliefs. I think he is simply a bully. He admitted that hitting his wife has done nothing to change her “unacceptable” behavior, but he continues to do it. He also said that she needs to be disciplined.
    I think that he is using the wrong word here. I think he means “subjugate” rather than discipline.
    Culturally, I don’t understand his position. On a personal level, I believe he needs to stop hurting the person he is sharing his life with.

  122. 156 Fred (from Zambia)
    November 25, 2009 at 19:57

    Men who hit women have one problem – PRIDE and INSECURITY.

    I see in George and sadly, many of my fellow African men, a carry-over of the sad so called ‘traditions’ that have perpetrated the abuse of women.

    Marriage is a partnership where the individuals concerned view each other as partners – each having rights and dignity. To hit one’s wife is to strip her of the dignity that she should be enjoying as a wife and mother.

    Now is the time for men to change their attitude towards women – overcome your insecurity and pride and value the woman you have as your partner.

  123. 157 Matt Canada
    November 25, 2009 at 19:58

    To say that beating a woman is justified because it is culturally acceptable is to hide behind a veil of ignorance and stubborn pride.

    I would confidently state that your guest would object quite heartily to being corrected at work via a good beating. To say this is acceptable in any other circumstance is hypocracy of the highest degree.

  124. 158 Heather
    November 25, 2009 at 19:58

    I understand where George is coming from because culturally people have different ideas of what is acceptable and how that culture’s women are treated. it definately seems to me that George’s culture does not celebrate women as independent and vital to the strength and integrity of their community yet and therefore leaves me to believe that his community in Kenya is at a deficit comparatively to other cultures.

    Heather
    USA

  125. November 25, 2009 at 19:59

    The problem is not that a man is taught that it is OK or a means of discipline to abuse, hit or even slap your wife (a Woman), it is total conscious and subconscious insecurity on the part of a man. A man may be taught it is ok for what ever reason, but the bottom line is that a man, ANY MAN, who abuses a spouse or partner in any way is very insecure. He may be insecure for a single reason or a multitude of reasons; ie penis size, body shape size, inability to provide for his spouse and/or family in any way that makes him feel less of a man.
    Every male guest on this show right now is insecure in some way or another.
    ABUSE of any kind is unacceptable for any reason and is counterproductive to reasoning behind it. if a man can not see for himself the insecurities he has he is in denial of that fact.
    in this male dominated world and most cultures men are raised, however subversive, that they are the ones in charge. This breeds insecurity. NO man is in charge of any woman in a way that he should abuse her.

  126. 160 Tom D Ford
    November 25, 2009 at 20:00

    Excellent show, WHYS guys! Well done.

  127. 161 Lisa Tyson
    November 25, 2009 at 20:01

    I was in a hideously violent relationship for 15 years. I was knifed, had my bones broken, help captive etc etc etc. I eventually ran away to the UK (I’m Australian). Nine years later I am still dreaming about the violence every other night. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have been on medication for ten years to control panic attacks. A few weeks ago I received a string of threatening emails from my ex. So in answer to the question about whether men can be taught not to hit women, I say in terms of my own experience….”once a beater, always a beater”.

  128. 162 Kate in California
    November 25, 2009 at 20:16

    I missed about half of the program, but I got to listen to the end part where the two male guests were in “high form”…wow!

    HOWEVER….I just wanted to say that I have seldom been more proud of the U.S. as when we elected Mr. Obama and then again today when I heard Ted from New York speak on this subject and get right to the heart of the matter: the violence towards women is a direct result of the subjugation of women!

    The fact that hardly any women had called in during the course of the program was interesting, but the fact that a man was the one that had to call these jokers on the carpet and point out to them the underlying issues with their smug position in society was very cool. Thanks! (By the way I adore “World Have Your Say” whenever I have day off I listen…it’s great, sometimes frustrating, but great!)

  129. 163 Tracy in Portland,OR
    November 25, 2009 at 20:26

    We seem to be ignoring another aspect of this topic. Why does society turn a blind eye. The woman or children who show visable signs of abuse but nobody says anything. The neighbors that can be heard screaming and the ominous crashes before silence or worse screams. The involved parties obviously are in a situation they are unable or unwilling to break out of. Maybe the violence would stop if society forced them to face that what they are doing is wrong. Tell your female friend she is being a bad mother by raising her children in an abusive enviroment. Confront your male friend when when you hear him being anti woman, because seeing woman as less than an equal is where this starts. And for the love of God call the police when you see evidence of abuse.

    Tracy
    Portland OR

  130. November 25, 2009 at 20:40

    For me this situation is more a matter of looking at this as a question of “can the cycle of abuse be stopped…..can humans change and perhaps even more important; what are the rich rewards for doing so…?” …..granted men tend to externalize and express themselves as they have learned to do so and women usually internalize rather than express such frustrations – but in my experience I find that both genders can be violent in their behavior no matter what form it might take…….

    We can we CHANGE ALL learned behavior and for the sake of ALL concerned? Yes, I KNOW we can – but more than half the people who have experienced this kind of childhood abuse do not know how. Many do not even realize how this experience is driving their lives and relationships in negative, sometimes criminal ways – it has been so normalized for them. Most often people have no understanding that there is truly HOPE for change; that while not always easy – is most assuredly and profoundly rewarding.

    We need a tsunami WAVE of EDUCATION on child abuse and the AFFECTS of child abuse – for ALL OF IT! And it is an extraordinary tragedy that while work goes on – so does the abuse in our homes!

    There is hope through education!

  131. 165 Onwuka Kalu
    November 25, 2009 at 20:43

    Violence against women or against anybody is barbaric, retrogressive and absolutely unacceptable in the 21st century. The adverse effects of such animalistic and primitive behaviour should be taught and drummed into the heads of children, men and women. Any man who beats his wife or partner is a coward. There is nothing cultural about this. It’s barbaric and should be condemned by all decent people, worldwide. Wife beaters should go for counselling. They need help, period!!
    Chief Onwuka Kalu, OFR

  132. 166 Anakor Goziem J
    November 25, 2009 at 21:08

    this thing about raising hand against the opposite sex…It is not manly, I think it is a sign of weakness.

    Emotionally balanced and psychologically stable man can find suiting or equal provocations to what ever anoying thing women can do that would normally lead to beating.

    But if the man appreciates the woman in his life ( as the biblical meaning of WIFE) the the man would not be raising his hand against his own self…..you see…
    I am yet to marry, but I am sure If I marry whom I like, I will tolerate her all days and no matter how annoying she may become….I might rather deprive her of what I can than to hit her.

  133. 167 Sandra
    November 25, 2009 at 22:24

    I find this whole question very odd. While I am a petite woman (5’2, 125 lbs.) I am trained in combat and more than capable of matching most men in a physical confrontation but it would never occur to me to be violent with a partner, or any man for that matter. Is this simply because I’m a woman? No, it’s because I’m a thinking person and I know it’s wrong. I have often been frustrated, annoyed and very disappointed with partners and still I never contemplated responding with violence.

    My mother was quite heavy-handed with my siblings and I as children and I also had an older brother that was very violent towards me and my twin brother but neither of us grew up to be violent people. I don’t know how people feel justified in blaming the vicitms of abuse. That’s just lazy and ignorant. Everyone is responsible for what they do the others as well as what we accept from others. I don’t know there will ever be an answer to this question while people are still unwilling to take full responsibility for their own actions.

  134. 168 steve
    November 25, 2009 at 22:33

    @ Lisa

    Could you explain to us why you remained in such a relationship for so long? I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I think you’ll prove my point about women with low self esteem at least unconsciously seeking out these types of relationships, and spend much longer in them than they would with a guy they find “boring”. Do you feel you have low self esteem? Have other men you dated been abusive as well?

  135. 169 Linda from Italy
    November 25, 2009 at 23:07

    Why are men so scared of women? They erect all these religious and cultural barriers, bang on about women’s general feeble mindedness, and the need to “protect” them – we only need protecting from the sort of men who subscribe to this agenda. Trying to educate men is a bit of a lost cause until they develop critical factulies and stop blaming the other half of the population for their own pathetic complexes .

  136. 170 Elias
    November 26, 2009 at 03:53

    Regretably countries in the Far East, India, Africa, Middle East, Russia and some in Europe think that men have a right to take out their frustrations by beating and hitting women, this is specially true in Muslim and African countries. Its in their culture that man must dominate and prove he is the boss, it is there normal way of life and it will not change for the better. Little do they realise they are born out of the body of women. You can educate them from now to doomsday, they will still be the same.

  137. 171 John Doe (A dear)
    November 26, 2009 at 05:11

    In order to solve a cultural problem, you can’t just try to get rid of the symptoms, such as wife-beating. You have to go to the root of the problem, which is the culture itself. It really stems from the oppressive (to both men and women) gender role of men being “big and bad”.

  138. 172 Guruprasad P
    November 26, 2009 at 05:54

    Instead of teaching men not to hit women, fundamental principles of a Family relationship must be taught to every member of the family.Like love and affection,adopting to situations,compassion for each other,understanding and willing to help each other at crucial times,are some of the solutions.

    This will go in a long way in nurturing young minds as well as mature ones.

    Violence is a barbaric way of expressing oneself because of ones physical superiority.

    This will never pave the way for a healthy society.

  139. 173 Jon
    November 26, 2009 at 06:18

    And can women start behave like a women again? I dont say there is no violent men that will be hitting women for sick reason. But from what I could see in my life women are not what they used to be. In my first marriage it was my wife who used to hit me over my head because she was sickly jealous and if I came home 5 minutes from work I was in trouble. She had problem with anyone and was behaving aggressively towards people for any reason. At home it was a constant pressure and no relieve. It would be a long list of issues and of a very strange behaviour to mention. I did stay with her just for kids as she was not better as mother but in the end I have given up and left her feeling terribly sorry for my children. We had social services involved, police etc. None of them could help. In front of them she was behaving perfectly fine when they left she did get drunk, smoke her grass and was hitting kids for no reason, went like that with kids in the car to see her friends coming back stoned to limits. Children were telling me how mum was driving left and right and left and right in the morning when I came from my night shift. I never hit her but I can understand men in situations and with women like these that do it. After it is always the woman to feel sorry for because that silent everyday violence is not seen it doesnt leave bruises. But is not less harmful, I would say more because it is hidden and is more difficult to find out so it can go on for years.

  140. 174 Maxine
    November 26, 2009 at 07:17

    Can men be taught not to hit a woman? NO, of course not. He is a bully, a women is (almost) invariably smaller, and lighter. Men wife beaters never taken on someone their own size. Ladies, pack your bag, secretly, and get out of it. Then report it to the police. Ask for police protection. Oh yes, and learn defensive Karate. It can be used if you have to. Never forgive him.

  141. 175 Matthew Obogbaimhe
    November 26, 2009 at 12:18

    Men are not brutes! As a christian, the Bible says, WIVES submit yourselves unto your HUSBANDS in everything, and unto the HUSBANDS love your wives as christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it.
    what we see largely in our society (perhaps becaue of civilsation etc)is the direct opposite where women think so much of women’s right and equality and have thrown respect of their husbands to the winds!

    when women recognise the rightful place of the man in the home, they will live together in peace

  142. November 26, 2009 at 12:45

    Hello, stories of men hitting their wives and at times other women is so comon place in africa that it has become something hard to separate men from.In cameroon some cultures consider men who do not hit their wives as not loving them

  143. 177 steve
    November 26, 2009 at 13:51

    Honestly, the show only focused on places like africa, where it possibly might be a cultural thing, which I hope isn’t the case. But the problem exists in the west. You had a poster say she was in a 15 year abusive relationship. The question wasn’t posed to her, why was she in an abusive relationship for so long before leaving?

  144. November 26, 2009 at 19:56

    Surely the point here is self respect for each other regardless of gender, but as fellow human beings, this is something we should all learn from our parents, at least in an ideal world. This however is not an ideal world so schools have to step in and do the job. Sad but true. As for women liking strong men, this does not mean that we want to be hit or pushed around, or told what to do. It means the strength to take difficult decisions and face up to reality. In short, to behave like an adult. Hitting someone because she won’t do what you want all the time is acting like a two year old.

  145. 179 Ronald Almeida
    November 26, 2009 at 20:06

    It’s easy women should carry a pistol in their handbags.

  146. 180 claudine
    November 27, 2009 at 02:04

    If you take the anger making Testosterone out of men then surely men can be taught.

    • 181 John Doe (A dear)
      November 27, 2009 at 10:00

      Testosterone has nothing to do with anger, violence, or even aggressiveness. Just because you heard it on House doesn’t make it true.

      • November 27, 2009 at 15:46

        John,

        I am sorry but you are very misinformed. Testosterone has everything to do with anger, violence, and aggressiveness. It has been excluded as the driving factor for antisocial behavior.

        You can find a very well written paper on the subject if you do a search for “The Role of Testosterone in Aggression.” by Katherine Simpson. It is a difficult read, but the findings are pretty well laid out. Now elevated levels of testosterone alone do not lead to violence and aggression. But its presence makes that choice more likely.

        Using MRI technology, we are now seeing that in the womb, elevated levels of testosterone in the forming of males shrinks communication and emotional centers of the brain and swells rational though, sex drive, and yes aggression centers of the brain.

        BTW I hate house. That hospital would be in bankruptcy from all the malpractice suites by the end of the first month.

  147. 183 James Ian
    November 27, 2009 at 07:35

    As a guy one thing that kept me from ever hitting a girl was the small town attitude that “Real men do not hit women” And any man that hit a girl was low life scum and If anyone ever found out you hit a girl you would quickly become an outcast and your previous men friends were likely going to kick your butt. That’s just the way it was when and where I grew up. A man showed how tough he was by being emotionaly strong enough to never let anything a woman said or did upset him to the point of violence. I’m so glad I grew up in a small town in the Ozarks in the 70,s and 80’s. Good times and good people.

  148. 184 Karsten from Germany
    November 27, 2009 at 12:09

    Definitely, education and the role model of the parents and other relatives determine gender behaviour… I’ve never seen my father lay hand on my mother when I was a child… Certainly, the were quarrels about things like money, how to spend time and other typical topics, but problems were always solved by talking… And that’s the way I adopted, too… Anyway, violence doesn’t solve any problem anywhere, does it?

  149. November 27, 2009 at 21:09

    If men are taught to weight their actions before doing them, then abuse would decrease at a significant rate. It is my belief that men can be taught not to hit women and their children in an abusive way. But first, the macho mail dominated society must be dismantled and rebuilt on moral and responsible grounds. It is evident that men have lost their role in society, the table has shift, women are becoming bread winners an that can be intimidating. In order to see this dream, Boys at an early age should be taught moral skills that will help them with women at a later date. Also, parents should exhibit this level of responsibility in front of their children. Sadly i am talking of a utopian society because pin pointing the problem is harder than finding a pin in a hay stack. Hope isn’t lost because if counseling and rehabilitation is provided, then change can come. Also, if these women are rescued and these men placed behind bars, then others will take heed.

  150. 186 Ronald Almeida
    November 27, 2009 at 22:18

    may be society should have a closer look at institutions such as marriage, that often make people feel like trapped and cornered animals and have no choice than to explode.

  151. 187 Vijay Pillai
    November 27, 2009 at 23:21

    I am surprised in this 21st century violence agains women still prevail.When i got married i made a policy to myself that whatever my wife says i dont resort to violence at all. I use my brain and not hands to sort things out.
    Recently i was in an indian restaurant with a family friend of us. An indian young pretty girl was introduced to me and my wife , she appear to be sociable.Her husband appear to be reserved not keen to get to know. When they were gone out of the restaurant my friend started telling her story of a young woman suffered from an IT husband violence to the extent she left him and stayed with her friend. the couple with whom stayed advised this young women to leave him.But when my friend heard of it she took her in her fold and made sure she goes back to him and now they live together.
    This is one of the story of many women from india imn western world subjected to violence by so called educated fools,this guy has the body of a bodybuilder but a coward IT in his mind.

  152. November 28, 2009 at 12:49

    All females worldwide should have the right to access free self-defense classes paid for by the governments and any other sources of finance.

  153. November 28, 2009 at 18:21

    Hitting a fellow human is inhuman, and hitting a woman is the greatest inhumanity. I have come to appreciate the words of my mother, through this topic. She told me on great many occasions that any man who beats or even hit his wife is not a man. But since he has already been honoured by God and created a man, by hitting his wife, or any woman for that matter, he reduces himself to a half man.

    She expressed this view because in our neighborhood, some male children were copying the bad example of their fathers beating up their mother, and beating up their sisters, ever their senior sisters. She tried all she could to discourage this act in our neighborhood.

    In the African society, hitting and beating women is rife. But it is simply barbaric irrespective of the motive, or however provoked men are. I reasonably do think that we should should make sound and stern legislation to protect women from this inhuman act. I am a man, but any man who hits a woman is dishonoured before me.

    Adi Whyte, Calabar, Nigeria.

  154. 190 NSC London
    November 29, 2009 at 22:09

    I’m with that guy from Cleveland, the issue of “domestic violence” is not one-sided. Many women contribute to their own abuse. I personally think if you are being abused as an adult and you choose to stay, that is your decision, who am I to interfere?

  155. 191 Tony Parkes
    November 29, 2009 at 23:02

    Oh, I have not laughed so much in a long time. Teach men not to resort to violence in relationships.

    We forget that men are created the way society wants them;

    1. Professional Boxers, Wrestlers, Footballers and Martia Arts persons..
    2. Military Officers & Soldiers.
    3. Bounces and Doormen.
    4. Security services and personal protection professionals.
    5. Leading Male actors and action movies.

    How will this happen? How can you teach when the example we set in reality proudly exposes and utilises one of the key strengths of being a man, violence. So they skills they have learnt will never be used should they lose control.

    When a man or woman crosses the line and REPEATEDLY attacks their partner three things come into place;

    1. They know no retaliation is likely to take place.
    2. They perceived and see themselves as the dorminant and more powerful one.
    3. The victim accepts that somewhere in the act of volience they are liable or have caused this in part or whole.

    The solution;

    Enforce laws and set examples regardless of who the person is. The government needs to provide early and post attack support to the victims, housing, education, child care, training, skills upgrade, financial breaks.

    Dependency causes many not to walk or leave such relationships and we need to show greater concern to the images that we show and portray to the wider society re violence be in in computer games, films and job roles in life is not right and only way to resolve issues.

  156. 192 Duncan M. Butlin
    November 30, 2009 at 10:14

    The last thing on earth we need today is another campaign to shame men — they already number in their thousands, while not one single sizeable project blames women. Men and women are unequal at almost everything, but most agree we are equal value as moral human beings. Accordingly, women are just as responsible as men for conflict in marriage — mainly through the use of their superior verbal skills — and the sooner we start campaigning against some of these female types of misbehaviour the better. The current imbalance in the blame game is a global disgrace.

  157. 193 Magnus
    December 10, 2009 at 06:43

    EDIT: “Woman beating is not ***ONLY*** first of all extremely disrespectful to women in the sense that they’re being “disciplined”, but it’s an offensive act to God’s will. God made men and women to love each other, to look out for each other, to reach solutions together.”

    Add the word “only” in front of the word “first”. Sorry, I did not mean to say it’s not disrespectful.


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