15
Apr
09

On-air: What’s wrong with living with your parents?

Living with parentsIt could be economics. It could be cultural. But is it healthy? We’re talking about living at home with your parents as an adult. Doesn’t there come a stage and age when we should all flee the nest?
Or does it make more sense to keep the family together and share the cost and the labour of running a home? We were promted to think about this because of a new report published here in Britain — The “Social Trends” survey for 2009. It found that almost a third of men and a fifth of women aged between 20 and 34 now live at home with their parents.
Do you live in culture where it would be considered inappropriate to move out of the family home before you are married? Are you a parent who feels you have brought up your children to the best of your ability and now its time for you start enjoying life as a couple again? or are you a twenty something desperate to strike out on your own but constrained by the cost of it? Let us know!


110 Responses to “On-air: What’s wrong with living with your parents?”


  1. 1 gary
    April 15, 2009 at 13:32

    Ask you parents, they’ve plenty of good reasons you should live elsewhere.
    g

  2. 2 Katy, Cleveland
    April 15, 2009 at 13:47

    I moved back home after my undergraduate program to live with my parents while I completed a graduate degree. Without their help I would have had to take out more loans and I wanted to minimize my debt. While I appreciate everything my parents have done for me and my siblings, I feel they have been too easy on some of us. The original rule was that if you were in school (or going back to school in the near future) you could live rent free. My parents, however, let two of my brothers live rent and board free while they give up trips or other things they wanted. Soon they will only have two kids left in the house, but I fear that they will never really get to enjoy their middle age because they spent all their time and money supporting us.

    Cultural reasons or not, I think it’s important to be contributing member of a family. Whether you want to stay at home, or are at home because the cost is too much, everyone should help out so that if/when you leave, you don’t leave your parents in the lurch.

  3. 3 Chad from Virginia
    April 15, 2009 at 14:20

    This is funny because I was just talking about this last night with a friend of mine who is living at home!

    I spent 7 months after college living at home before I moved to VA for a new job. I know for a lot of my friends who live at home, they’re saving up so they can afford a house instead of being a renter. The cost of living is considerably cheaper to be sure but the other costs (autonomy, privacy and independence) got to be too high for me. I missed my isolation. Even roommates feel oppressive to me so a parent with additional restrictions is too much!

  4. 4 Freddie
    April 15, 2009 at 14:20

    living with parents as an adult has somewhat become quite common in Zambia also, although many homesteads are reallu small to accomodate all “the big boys and girls”, many have found quick fix solutions by building small cottages aroung the ‘main’ house where the big bys and girls live.

    one of my colleagues is unable to move out this arrangement because he is the main economic pillar now. the family depends largely on his income.

    the disadvantage i have seen with his status, though iam all by myself, is his inability to bring his ‘fiancee’ around the family house.

    whereas, for me there is nothing wrong with liiving oarents, theres everythng wrong with not aspring to be independent.

  5. 5 Patti in Cape Coral, FL
    April 15, 2009 at 14:25

    I live in the states where it is normal to strike out on your own, but my family is from Colombia, where it is normal for children to live with their parents even after they marry and have children themselves. Honestly, I like the US way better because I was raised here and I enjoy being the master of my own space, and I think my mom feels the same about her space.

    My husband’s family in Colombia have his stepmother and her three sons living in one household, along with their wives and babies!!! They seem to get along okay, just with the usual family irritations, nothing major.

    I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong with living with your parents, but it does take a degree of patience on both sides. Families living together can solve other problems too, such as child care, waiting for the cable guy or UPS, sharing bills, etc.

  6. 6 steve
    April 15, 2009 at 14:28

    Here in the US, if you want to have “relations” with the opposite sex, it’s not wise to live with your parents if you are a male. I know men don’t hold it against women, but women do hold it against men, if you want to look from this perspective.

  7. 7 Ana Milena, Colombia
    April 15, 2009 at 14:33

    Hi, everyone! :-D
    Nowadays I live with my sisters, but I’ve found that in the experience of many people, due to certain circumstances, they’d rather keep on living with their parents even when they’re older than 25, 30 or even 40. I think it’s OK as long as you don’t depend on them. They give us education in order to set our own life; if we don’t reward them with our own work and taking care of them, it would be like a slap on their face!!

    So you can live with your parentseven if you’re 55, but you can still be independent as an adult!

    BTW, funny cartoon!!! :-D
    Cheers!

  8. 8 steve
    April 15, 2009 at 14:46

    Wait a second, I thought society was supposed to be “male dominated”? If more men have to live with their parents than women, are men dominating society from their’ mom’s basement? anyone care to clarify my confusion here?

  9. April 15, 2009 at 15:01

    James from Kenya

    Living with my parents NO WAY! I am no Costanza from Seinfeld. Here in rural Kenya I have realised living with parents will make you be subservient to them. So long as you are living with them you will never be taken seriously. Trust me the more far away you live from your parents the more mutual respect between both parties. Run

  10. April 15, 2009 at 15:15

    What’s wrong? Nothing as long as:
    • There is enough space in the parents’ place.
    • There is a reasonable excuse for that (such economics).
    • The son or daughter is welcome to stay, by the parents and is willing to adhere to their rules (which may well be ‘old-school’).
    • The son/daughter is comfortable staying there.
    Otherwise, move along pal!

  11. 11 Donnamarie in Switzerland
    April 15, 2009 at 15:18

    Five generations of my family have lived in our “home place” in California. Currently, Generation 2 is represented by my mother, Gen 4 by my niece and her husband,, and Gen 1 by my grandniece. I myself (Gen 3) lived there with my grandparents (Gen 1) and my parents long ago. This is not to mention various aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews etc. who’ve lived there until they got back on their feet after earthquakes, fires, major injuries and other personal disasters.

    So far as we’re all concerned, it was (and is) great. The house is owned free and clear, so whoever currently lives there just has to contribute to taxes and upkeep, there’s no rent to pay, My mother cared for her aged parents and her baby granddaughter; that grown-up baby, a mother herself now, cares for my aged Mum.

    What could be better?

  12. 12 deryck/trinidad
    April 15, 2009 at 15:18

    It’s not wrong or right to live with your parents. Instead it depends on your religious, social and economic background.In certain cultures and instances it is acceptable and in other cultures and circumstances it’s not.You make the choice depending on your circumstances.

  13. 13 Roy, Washington DC
    April 15, 2009 at 15:20

    Living with your parents for a short while after you graduate from school or college is understandable. This isn’t always what happens, though; I know of people in their 30s who have college degrees, and still live at home because they simply haven’t put enough effort into finding that first “real” job. I moved out a few years ago at age 24, and even that felt like I had overstayed my welcome.

  14. April 15, 2009 at 15:25

    I think its just a question of choice and opportunity. If you have the opportunity to leave home, i think you should grab it with both hands. Our parents need time to rest and bother about other things and not about us.

  15. 15 deryck/trinidad
    April 15, 2009 at 15:29

    Personally I got married and left home and I enjoyed it. It was an oppotunity to plan and chart my own course as an individual and family, without the intrusion of parents. It also avoided disputes that might arise based on the generation gap between my parents and me.

  16. 16 Anthony
    April 15, 2009 at 15:53

    I wish I could live with my parents (to save more than $1100 a month on rent and utilities), but it’s like 2 alpha males in one den, it doesn’t work. It depends on the parents though. Some parents love having their kids with them. My one buddy, 27 years old, told his mom he was moving out, and she cried and begged him not to (she doesn’t have a job and do much by the way).

    The truth is though, that its a TOTALLY different world than when our parents were our age. Back then, you could make it on min wage. Now, you need 3 min wagers to be able to afford an appartment in L.A. The income/cost of living ratio is MUCH worse these days, and some people can’t understand that. I hear people say “I only made $2 an hour back then!”, and I’m thinking “Yeah, and your car was $500 and gas was $.25 a gallon!!!”

    -Anthony, LA, CA

  17. April 15, 2009 at 16:01

    It’s almost customary in Cameroon to find persons as old as 35 years still living with their parents. I know of an unmarried guy as a case study. The problem is the high unemployment rate and difficult economic conditions currently prevailing there. It’s very tough. I remember my dad telling me how he got married at 23 years old but here am I, 27, and still in pursuing my studies at the post graduate level. Times have changed and it’s difficult now.

  18. April 15, 2009 at 16:03

    Keeping It Together, Makes Life Worth Living!
    Once married, children can move and have children of their own.
    “Enjoying life once they are gone, is a myth. They need constant encouragement and help. We also want to be needed.

  19. 19 Jennifer
    April 15, 2009 at 16:05

    I don’t think think there is anything “wrong” with living with one’s parents. Of course, there are things to consider including if it is mutually agreeable between the parents and their kids. There are things that can benefits but also obstacles. All of those things should be considered…

  20. 20 Jennifer
    April 15, 2009 at 16:05

    P.S.

    I do think the ideal is that you leave the nest asap!

  21. 21 Tom K in Mpls
    April 15, 2009 at 16:13

    This question was well covered quickly. It needs to be judged on a case-by-case basis. If it is socially and economically healthy to all involved, it is acceptable in any society. If an outsider decides to take issue with it, I believe the reply that best fits the intelligence of the outsider would be ‘ whaaaa’!

  22. April 15, 2009 at 16:14

    My name is sahid,am 18 yrs and am living in AFrica,to be specific Sierra Leone,it has been classified as one of the poorest country in Africa,were the employment rate is very low,majority of the people who are youth are uneducated.It has been a culture here were people depend on there parent until they are ready to marry,some even live with there parent when they have get married and got kids.
    I really think,that kind of law like thing would walk in united Kingdom because there are work there for young people,but not in Africa to be specific Sierra Leone were those that are graduated do not have job,let alone talk about undergraduate.So staying with your parent even when you have got grandchildren is a tradition in Sierra Leone,they would not even ask you out of there house because they know it is a tradition.

  23. 23 Steve in Boston
    April 15, 2009 at 16:23

    @Steve–Allow me to clear up your confusion. Western society hasn’t been male-dominated for some time now. Even the men in charge aren’t really men these days. They’re some kind of “Mr. Rogers” de-testosteronized males, brainwashed from a young age by ex-hippy public school teachers.

    Anyway–living at home for a while after graduation is often the only choice available. Average starting salaries out of college around here ($35,000/year) aren’t enough to cover the cost of living, at least until the student has had time to accumulate a little nest-egg. Rent, food, car insurance, transportation, and entertainment expenses are sky high.

    Anyone hoping to save up for grad school has little choice but to make sacrifices, and living at home for a while is one way to do that.

  24. 24 kelly lee
    April 15, 2009 at 16:25

    hello!I’m a Taiwanese and right now living alone by myself away from home.Although it would cost less and save time from doing house work such as laundry or cleaning the house, I still choose not to live with my parents.I do love my parents,but somehow I’m at the age to be independent and having my own life!I dont want to be restricted by them about how late I come back home or the lifestyle I have(which is totally different from them).
    The other reason is that I dont want to fight with them.No matter how intimate we are,we will still fight for trifle and unnecessary things.It’s always better to live outside and have a better relationship than living together and fighting everyday!

  25. 25 Sook-yee
    April 15, 2009 at 16:28

    I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules to this. It depends on where you’re from. I know in the US it’s quite shameful to be still living with your parents if you’re in your late teens. Here in Singapore it’s quite common to live with your parents till you’re married because you can’t get government-subsidised housing until you get married. If you’re an only child, the parents might actually WANT you to live with them forever because they’ll miss you. In addition, Asian values dictate that you look after your parents in their old age, so there comes a time when it’s actually your parents who are living with you, and not the other way round. If you have children, it might make sense to live together cos then the parents can look after your kids while you’re at work. Not all grandparents want to babysit, but here, most don’t seem to mind. It’s either that, or childcare centres (which are expensive) or maids, and who knows what values they’ll impart to your kids.

  26. April 15, 2009 at 16:31

    I have lived with my parents off and on for several years. I kept having to go back due to financial problems.
    There is nothing wrong with it. Specialy when times are as hard as they are now. As long as you help out, paying bills, buying food and so on. Then you are helping your parents out as they are helping you.
    I am married now, but as a precurser to getting married I had to live on my own for 1 year. It was important to my wife that I do this.
    That is the only drawback to living at home. Dating is very hard to do. You can’t let her, “hey you wanna go back to my mom and dads place?” You just don’t get a lot of respect from the opposite sex.

  27. 27 Syed Hasan Turab
    April 15, 2009 at 16:54

    Nothing wrong to learn from parent’s experience & living with rules, as parent’s are the first healthy adult contact to the kids.

  28. 28 Peter sc
    April 15, 2009 at 17:19

    Not with your spouse or a step parent. Fools will never get it.

  29. 29 Tony from Singapura
    April 15, 2009 at 17:22

    In some Asian societies, the parents come to live with you. So you dont have to go to all the trouble fo moving in with them.

  30. 30 Ron S. from Ft Myers Florida
    April 15, 2009 at 17:23

    I agree with Tom K that it should be on a case by case basis.

    I was 23 when I moved out on my own, and moved back in at 27, as my dad was feeling alone after the loss of my mom. I stayed with him until his sudden passing before years’ end. It wasn’t unhealthy to move back home, in fact I saw it as a chance to improve my relationship with him, and it did.

  31. 31 saad , Jaffrabad Pakistan
    April 15, 2009 at 17:29

    We should live with our parents. The economic progression has had sever impacts on our social relations:we can not live with our parents anymore,we can not sit with them and chat to them becasue of globilization and time limitation.This trend is not favourable indeed.

  32. 32 Andrew in Australia
    April 15, 2009 at 17:36

    What’s wrong with living with your parents. There may be many reasons other than financial.

    Perhaps you have a really close relationship with your parents and each enjoys the other’s company or you are taking care of an older parent – after all they took care of you for the greater part of your life didn’t they.

    But I find that those who are most vocal in criticising or ridiculing those who choose to live with parents are basically jealous of the relationship they see those people have. Why else would they feel the need to disparage them?

  33. 33 Monica in DC
    April 15, 2009 at 17:45

    I could barely stand staying with my parents for a week, much less living with them!

  34. 34 Dave in Florida
    April 15, 2009 at 17:52

    It is a matter of what part of in the world you live. In the U.S., and I believe Europe, it is not culturaly acceptable to live with your parents as an adult — especially for males. However, I lived in Guatemala for a while and found adult children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc…, living under the same roof. I also noticed this in travels through Asia.

    In many countries it is not looked down upon as families support one another and believe it to be almost barbaric to not support family members.

    @Steve

    Yeah, mom and dad’s basement is a great place to launch our male domination campaign isn’t it. Isn’t the next meeting Monday night? Please tell your mom to make another batch of those great cookies.

  35. 35 Monica from OR
    April 15, 2009 at 18:07

    I moved back in with my mother to save money while I finished my last year of college and now while I look for a job. In theory I love the idea of families living together for longer. The theory of big extended families living together appeals to me as I see it as a way of creating stronger social ties and combating social problems. However, in practice the traits of individualism and independence that are prominent in my family and perhaps in many American families make it hard for us to live together successfully. I’m moving out as soon as I can afford to.

  36. 36 saad , Jaffrabad Pakistan
    April 15, 2009 at 18:09

    Living with parents is not something bad, instead it is blessing in economic recession as all family members support each other. So living with parents has economic incentive.

  37. 37 Heather
    April 15, 2009 at 18:11

    I Think in your early 20′s it is okay, but once you leave college, or graduate school, there is no reason for an adult to live at home and mooch off their parents.

  38. 38 Monica from OR
    April 15, 2009 at 18:13

    I totally disagree with that they are saying. I live with mom but I do all the housekeeping, grocery shopping, cooking and repairs etc. It’s my way of contributing while I live rent free.

  39. 39 Susan Hewitt
    April 15, 2009 at 18:15

    Living with parents as a dependent child is childish; living with them as a contributing adult in a multigenerational community is something quite different.

    I’ve done it both ways, with my parents and with my children. It can work, but depends on the circumstances and the commitment parents and children have to growth and health in the family.

    American Susan living in Hong Kong
    Mother of two; grandmother of four
    Episcopal priest
    Teacher

  40. 40 steve
    April 15, 2009 at 18:15

    His idea of freedom seems like more like irresponsibility. Grownups have debts and bills they have to pay. It’s part of life. How long can you put it off?

  41. 41 Caitlin
    April 15, 2009 at 18:16

    Moving out of my mother’s house has been a huge learning experience. I think when people move out, they are forced to learn so much more about managing finances, holding down a job, etc. There is a learning curve that you have to go through and if you’re younger you have more time to rebound from those mistakes. I feel grateful for what I have learned, especially in learning how to make it in an economically rough time on my own.

  42. 42 Matthew
    April 15, 2009 at 18:19

    Its also worth noting the variability both socially and culturally between countries. After working in both Peru and Brasil it became apparent that culturally it is quite acceptable to live at home well into your 30′s.

  43. 43 B. in Oregon
    April 15, 2009 at 18:20

    I think that there is some confusion in this conversation that saddens me. At the age of 26 my husband and I moved into his parents house as a means of sharing resources. Each family has their own space and household tasks and expenses are shared. Both my husband and I have had extensive periods of living on our own and we very independent. This is not childish or selfish but a partnership.
    Thanks

  44. April 15, 2009 at 18:20

    I’m 27 and living at home with my parents in the UK while finishing my studies. I don’t have to go into University regularly, so it saves on rent. It’s a bit boring and claustrophobic sometimes and I’ve had to sacrifice my independence to some extent but financially it’s worth it.
    My parents helped pay for my University course, so I consider it only fair on them for me not to be costing them so much now.

  45. 45 Michael in San Francisco
    April 15, 2009 at 18:21

    Living with your parents is more a state of mind than physical reality. I know plenty of people who don’t live with their parents but are still hopelessly attached to them, their beliefs, and are even under their control.

  46. 46 Gladis
    April 15, 2009 at 18:21

    I bet those who live at home, particularly the males, must have a difficult time establishing romantic relationships. I know, personally, I would never date a man who lives at home – has his mom cook his meals and shows no sign of wanting to move on and be self-reliant.

  47. April 15, 2009 at 18:22

    I think the trick, no matter where you’re living, is that as an adult you must take responsibility for contributing to the household you live in. Whether you contribute monetarily, by doing certain chores around the house, by cooking for the family on occasion, etc. It’s one thing for an adult child to choose to live with their parents and then contribute to the familial household, it’s another thing for them to go home just to take advantage of the people that have already given up 18 years of their lives to raise them!

  48. 48 Gemma in Berlin
    April 15, 2009 at 18:22

    Please ask the 29 year old English gentleman (who still lives at home) if he has a girlfriend. As a 26 year old female who left home at 18 I would never consider dating a guy who lives?lived with his folks beyond 21.
    I also believe that parents expect to put up with us for 18 years or so and then they need and deserve their freedom back.

  49. 49 ecotopian
    April 15, 2009 at 18:23

    If you want to live with your parents, fine. If you don’t want to, that’s fine too. Why are we discussing this? Why is this considered a pressing issue? Am I supposed to see these people as less adult? There are many and varied reasons that people move back home. I am not in a position to judge why they are doing it. In a nutshell, it’s none of my business. It’s none of anyone’s business why they’ve had to do this.

    • 50 Arlene
      May 14, 2009 at 05:16

      It would have been my business, had I stayed in the relationship. But was brought up here for discussion, so whoever wants to contribute his/her view can.
      The thing is that sometimes there are older men and women who want the opportunity to have a romantic and intimate relationship and having a middle age “child” in the home is not conducive to this.
      Another thing that men don’t seem to understand is that you cannot have 2 grown women living in one household. There will be conflict and in the case where it is a dad and daughter, the daughter will usually try to come between the other woman and her daddy.
      My ex bf is 56 and his daughter is 39. she refuses to move out, but she sometimes doesn’t come home for weeks. When she does come in, it’s at 2 or 3 am and then she has to cook some smelly garlic-y burnt food. And leave the next day or so for another 2 weeks while her dirty dishes sit in the sink for that time, too or longer.
      Amazingly her dad couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to live like this!!

  50. 51 Clint
    April 15, 2009 at 18:25

    I am 21, graduated with a B.A. in December of 2008, and I currently live at home with my family. I did live on my own when I was in college and I learned a lot about myself while doing so.
    Certainly! Living with our parents as an extended family is filled with a lot of benefits and adventures.
    However, aside from the reduction in expenses and childhood adventures, taking up residency in the “nest’ can be an emotional stress, especially when said family enjoys exerting control and their biased views on said person.
    This is my experience, my family just cannot operate without enforcing their views, not just in words, but in actions, and they guilt trip me into thinking that I am ungrateful and immature if I decide to work towards personal independence.
    I am entirely grateful for their assistance, and I have benefited from the privileged life they have afforded me.
    Importantly, I am living in the West, the U.S. actually, but my family moved here from the Caribbean/Central America and the role that religion and culture has on this is far more pressing than economics. Perhaps economics did assist in the formation of this ideology in the country of origin, but the justification used in the daily argument (around here) is the religion and the “old ways”.
    I am sooo waiting to grow a blind eye and ear to this guilt trip so I can move on, eventually. Until then, I am just submerged into my music.
    – Clint.

  51. April 15, 2009 at 18:27

    For me personally, I am a very independent person who wanted to live on my own and make my own way which I did after leaving university. I viewed the prospect of having to move back in with my parents as a failure on my part, and worked very hard not to have to do so. I do know friends who live at home, and some (not all!) seem a bit stunted in their development versus my friends who are self-sufficient.

  52. 53 james
    April 15, 2009 at 18:28

    Im 27, Self employed, Married, Expecting first child Currently both living with my Parents in England.

    We are not ready to sell ourselves to a life of debt slavery by buying a home.

    When house prices become reasonable which is slowly happening (-2% a month) we will buy.

    We have friends who have bought and now cant start a family or afford to get married, even though they want to.

    How is it fair for people to have to put their lives on hold to buy into the biggest pyramid scam known to man!

    Stay with your parents, its like living with really good friends if your close to them :)

  53. April 15, 2009 at 18:28

    As a member of the Boomer generation, now in my mid-50s, I left home to move out west as soon as possible, at age 18, and never looked back. I learned by the school of hard knocks with occasional parental support, but never moved back home and would have felt very odd doing so. One result was my relationship with my mother stayed stuck in the adolescent model for years, since we had no other experience together.
    My 20 year old son is now home with us on a break from school. It is going well and we are forming a new relationship with him as an adult. He lived on his own in another country for a year and a half and learned a great deal about independence and is very appreciative to be home.
    Another aspect of this is the parents may soon be asking for the favor returned as they age. It will be hard for a Boomerang kid to refuse to care for parents in their home after this shelter is being given them. Family support works both ways and that is why they are strong.

    • 55 Arlene
      May 14, 2009 at 05:19

      I guess unless the kid never grows up or never moves out to begin with. But then what happens when the kid never learned enough responsibility to return the favor?

  54. 56 Cindy
    April 15, 2009 at 18:28

    Haven’t heard from too many parents…Here in the US many parents may be looking forward to being able to save toward their retirement once the kids are done college. All this talk of no rent to pay and food and other services provided for the returning child really bypasses the fact that they may be imposing an added strain to their parents, no matter how Mom and Dad mat say they are welcome back into the nest.

  55. April 15, 2009 at 18:29

    It must be noted that sometimes it is the children who comeback to care for ailing, sick or dying parents. Such is the case with me.

  56. 58 Tara
    April 15, 2009 at 18:32

    I live in the US and I come from a very loving, close family of 6 people (including my parents) We would all love to live together under one roof, but it would have to be a really big roof. When living with anyone, you have to remember that familiarity breeds contempt, especially in family members. I think for the parents and (adult) children (and possibly THEIR children) to all live together, it would be a good idea to own a duplex of come sort, or a flat, where everyone has their own apartments, but all under the same roof. That way you can still see your loved ones on a daily basis and have dinners together, but you can retire to your own “house” and get away from them too.

  57. 59 steve
    April 15, 2009 at 18:34

    Please ask the males who live at home how it has affected their dating lives? And see if there are any females that live at home if it affects their dating life.

  58. 60 Jonathan in sunny San Francisco
    April 15, 2009 at 18:37

    Establishing your own space is an important part of becoming an adult, at least in the West.

    It’s also more conducive to noisy and elaborate sex, which is itself an essential part of adulthood.

    Jonathan
    San Francisco

  59. 61 jennifer
    April 15, 2009 at 18:38

    My parents are from Bulgaria but I was born in Chicago and had my heart set on leaving for California regardless of my situation after college (which i lived at home during my studies). There was no question about what my occupation situation was I knew I wanted to move and live on my own at the age of 23. My brother a year younger than me (I am 27 now) still lives at home. Even though it’s been a bit of a struggle looking for work, finding a car, bills, food and such I have gained immesureable amounts of life lessons as a ressult of living alone. My brother continues to make poor financial decisions and such and I believe it to be b/c he’s never been forced to play the game of life w/o a safety net.
    It is a difficult thing to try and live indepently as young adult BUT NECESSARY – young adults to day are far to coddled. The only way a bird can fly is when it leaves the nest!

  60. April 15, 2009 at 18:40

    We’ve got a blog and resources set up to help families deal with the stress that can result from adult children moving home. (http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com) No matter whether it’s right or wrong, good or bad, it’s still different from what most families in our culture are used to to have more than 2 adults living in one home, and it’s important to approach the situation with a good communication plan and have some support.

  61. 63 Dee
    April 15, 2009 at 18:40

    I don’t think you can generalize and assume living at home during college is good or bad for everyone. It depends on individual families and relationships.

    However, as someone who moved out of my home at 17 to attend college and never went back, learning how to survive on my own without going back home to be supported was an education in itself. The entire college experience includes learning how to survive without support, and that is a valuable lesson in itself.

    Perhaps I could have saved money and paid back less student loans, but I would not trade the experience of being totally independant and not having to answer to anyone but myself.

  62. 64 Coby from Oregon
    April 15, 2009 at 18:44

    My family and I moved to the countryside when I was a sophomore in high school, and I moved out during my senior year to be closer to school and work. I took a year off after graduating and I’m a freshman in college now; I haven’t had to fall back on my parents yet, and I hope I won’t have to (though I love them dearly, of course).

    Like others have said, one’s perception of this subject is heavily influenced by the cultural norm in their area.

  63. 65 Jessica in NYC
    April 15, 2009 at 18:44

    I was in the middle of a brain storming work session and while this was on in the back round quietly. At one point we all stopped and laughed at the comments of one of the speakers.

    Our response of five people (2 men, 3 women):
    -The women said: We would not date a man living at home beyond his mid 20s. If someone is saving money to buy a home should rent a cheap place and get a roommate.
    -The men said: Regardless of the financial reason for living at home as an adult it should not be an excuse not to pay for their expenses (room and board). The truth is adult men who live at home is because they want to be taken care of and have their food cooked and laundry done.

  64. 66 Orsi from Hungary
    April 15, 2009 at 18:45

    Hi everyone!
    I have been living alone in an other city for 5 years while studying at universtiy. Now my boyfriend has moved back home to our home city because of work. It’s a big conflict, because I don’t want to move back home, especially to live with his parents.. Young couples should definetly move together! Living with parents as an adult couple is just not right I think…
    Have a nice evening!
    Orsi

  65. 67 Soheil
    April 15, 2009 at 18:47

    I am 28 years of age, I am French and I still live with my parents.
    I could live on my own but I would be struggling to make end meet and I wouldn’t be able to have my own accomodation without my parents vouching for me. I prefer to enjoy the financial safety of living with my parents than having to deal with overdrafts and wonder how I will survive till the next pay.
    I can afford to turn down bad jobs (I have always had odd jobs though), make plans for the future, save a lot of money and go on holiday to nice places.
    The downside is that I can’t have a girlfriend because when I say to girls that I live with my parents they don’t regard me as a potential boyfriend, so I am an economic bachelor. I had a girlfriend while living with my parents we were supposed to move in but finally we broke up and it never happened, I think if I had had my own place we still would be together now. Well that is pretty much all there is to it.
    I think my parents feel a bit bad for me and they kind of feel guilty because they are aware I don’t have the job opportunities I deserve and they try to make up for it by making me feel comfortable at home.

  66. 68 Patricia, Bend, Oregon
    April 15, 2009 at 18:47

    We are each unique individuals with unique life experiences that play a role in our decision to live with our parents or move on to live on our own. Taking this into account, I don’t think we can generalize and say that moving out is the best solution for ALL individuals.

    I am 33 and not living at home – but my parents would jump at the chance at having me move back in with them… not for controlling reasons but to save money and just be around to help take care of them.

    If I were to ever move back home, it would be a mutually agreed upon arrangement between me and my parents.

  67. April 15, 2009 at 18:48

    There is nothing wrong living with our parents. In fact it’s our responsibility to live with our parents to serve them for their nourishment sacrifices.

  68. 70 Barry
    April 15, 2009 at 18:53

    I moved out when I was 18, and although I wanted to leave managing it all on my own was hard. After living on my own for 12 years and currently out of work, I don’t find the idea of moving back in with my family so unappealing. Granted, I’m not at that point just yet. Being a bit older (30) and having a different kind of relationship with both of my parents, I like the idea of being able to spend more time with them before they need me there to look after their interests. Life is short and you realize this once you’ve been away from home for a while, at least that is how I see it.

  69. April 15, 2009 at 18:54

    I raised six children. They all moved out and then back in at different times in their lives. Currently my youngest son’s family lives with my husband and me. I love having a multi-generational household. I have had the opportunity to get to know grandchildren and to be helpful when asked. There are mutual benefits. My children all contributed to the household when they were living at home as adults. I have made a conscious effort to develop a relationship with my children that is adult to adult. I began that work when they were “almost grown.” I now advise parents who cannot figure out how to live with their adult children as more and more are needing to move home due to economic hardships. It takes conscious effort on the part of all the adults to learn to live differently. I am appalled at the number of adults on the show now living at home who cited no rent and no need to pay bills or cook or do housework as a benefit to being at home–they should grow up and help out. There is more work in a multi-family home but more people to do it–which should make life better for everyone!

    PS: I helped my children learn to cook and now I am very happy to take turns. I don’t need to be the “big boss” in my home.

  70. 72 Tom D Ford
    April 15, 2009 at 18:54

    Economically, the family living together makes sense.

    I suspect that the idea of families splitting up and each moving into separate houses has been pushed for the consumerism reasons, to get people to spend more, thus giving more profits to those who benefit from profits and consumption. As a promotion of economic growth.

  71. 73 Jessica in NYC
    April 15, 2009 at 18:55

    @ the speaker Jim,

    I agree! I am applaud at the response of young people trying to justify this as acceptable. I agree adults and parents need their space. Parents are suppose to sacrifice for their children, but not their whole life!

    ——
    @ the speaker Susy,

    That is called co-dependence. You children need to grow up and learn to be independence.

  72. 74 Mariana / Washington DC
    April 15, 2009 at 18:58

    I am originally Brazilian but have lived in the United States for more than half my life. Ever since I left home for college six years ago, my parents have asked me to move back home. They even tried to bribe me with gifts in exchange for staying with them!

    I now live by myself in a different city in order to pursue my career interests, but I disagree with the stigma of living with your parents. I have several friends who moved in with their parents after college out of choice and are extremely happy.

    Living with your parents isn’t just about necessity and money. There’s something special about being near your loved ones, and being able to see and speak with your family every day is worth more than the money spent or saved on food and rent.

  73. 75 Tim
    April 15, 2009 at 18:59

    We – my wife and 2 chidren – moved back in with her parents 4 months ago. We do 90% of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, give or take 15% here and there. It is out of economic need, as only 1 of us is working, but is working out quite well for all parties involved, so far. We would love to have our own home. Unemployment in our state – Oregon – is now over 12%. Many people have lost their homes, cars and jobs. If you can afford rent or a mortgage today, you may not be able to tommorow if you lose your job. That is a reality that many are dealing with today. I feel very fortunate that we have this as an option. I can’t imagine what we would have done otherwise. Being an unemployed father, thinking about how close to being homeless we are is alot easier knowing we have family willing to help.

  74. 76 Nosa Nosakhare Ekhator
    April 15, 2009 at 19:05

    As a parent, I love my three children (one, a graduate student and two, undergraduate students) live with me at home. It is my tradition (Nigerian), gives me satisfaction to see them grow under my roof. We are not doing this because of economic reason but emotional satisfaction.

  75. 77 Waqar Toor
    April 15, 2009 at 19:14

    In our eastern society parents always prefer that their kids live with them because it gives them a sense of satisfaction that their love ones are with them.

    BUT there are demerits to it that here in Pakistan Parents feed their children even after they have grown up. It makes the the child more dependent than he/she should be, and also that is the main reason in the eastern countries that 50% of population does not work because they have got their parents to feed them. The consequences are, that the 50% of the population does not add to the economy of the country because of staying idle

  76. 78 Maqbool Ahmed
    April 15, 2009 at 19:18

    What is wrong with living with your parents? Afterall, they have done everything to help you grow become an adult or a man. I am based in Bahrain. Here in Eastern culture it is not very common to leave your parents when you are grown-up and I believe its fantastic.

    While in the West, people just their parents when they are 18 and over and the parents just find themselves so lonely and the connection/relationship just grows apart. There they have a place called where old people live!!!!!!!!!!

    We in general, do not leave our parents till the end which is very good and this is how it should be. Because they have supported you to grow up, they havev given you education and everything..

    YOU as a child (son/daughter) should give them the same when they are old and you are capable of earning a living… simple as that!!!

  77. April 15, 2009 at 19:21

    If your parents are 80 years old, are you living with your parents or are your parents living with you? Who is looking after who?

    In some communities, it is rare to find old people living by themselves. Usually, they live with one of their children.

  78. 80 Ogola Benard
    April 15, 2009 at 19:26

    One should take his or her own house but keep the love for the parents since home is best. I saw a family were a married couple lived in the same house with their parents and at one time i heard of a story where a parent allowed a daughters boyfriend to take on one room in the same house? what about parents who live at their childrens homes? However, this depends on different cultures and in africa, men are supposed to bulid at home as the girls get married off!

  79. 81 saad , Jaffrabad Pakistan
    April 15, 2009 at 19:32

    Mr Waqar you must know that in Pakistan the working class is as low as 20 to 25 percent. As a consequence of economic limitation and opportunities narrowness large segment is ultimately excluded from economic production process. Among them leeches are excluded as these people are unemployed and they wanna a work. So almost 75% of Pakistan’s population do not work.

  80. April 15, 2009 at 20:29

    In England most english parents expect their sons or daughters after reaching the age of 19 or 20, expect them to move elsewhere, unless they are studying and furthering their education for a career. However depending on the culture for example eastern and middle eastern countries gladly accept their sons and daughters to live with them regardless of their ages.
    It is a good thing to live at home where one grew up, simply because your parents, brothers or sisters are most definetely your best friends and have your interests at heart. What better reason can there be?.
    Conversely, cultures in the east and middle east gladly accept their ageing parents to live and take care of them, should it be necessary.

  81. April 15, 2009 at 21:40

    I look at this from three angles: child, parent, and potential oldie. My Mother was reluctant for me to leave home and I felt guilty for doing so, which I never wanted my children to feel.
    My five sons were told by me: “Home is a jumping off place. When you are ready, Go. If it doesn’t work or you are struggling for whatever reason, come back and try again later.” One of my sons left home three times before he became truly independent. They were all required to contribute to the family budget for their keep, even when one was on the dole for a while.
    When they wanted to entertain their friends, whether for a meal or overnight, we made space for them.
    They all married and established their own homes and families. Two later divorced and came home briefly at different stages (one was in his twenties, the other his thirties). They were both considerate and we were mutually supportive. When they were ready, they moved out again.
    My home will always be a landing pad, but I hope they won’t need it. I live alone and like it. If I become old and feeble, I hope not to be a nuisance and will remain as independent as possible. Mutual consideration and respect is all it takes. But that’s too much to ask of some people.

  82. 84 Bettie
    April 15, 2009 at 22:53

    A “man” that lives with the parents does so because he can’t take care of and provide for himself. So why would any woman want a man that is a burden? If I want a child, I would get pregnant or adopt a CHILD. Last time I checked, no one is in the market to adopt fully grown ADULT males. If he can’t make enough money to maintain his own establishment, if he’s so lame he can’t (or won’t) cook or clean up for himself, then he certainly isn’t going to do those things living with a girlfriend. You can expect lots of fighting and nagging about his negligence and selfishness. Oh, and all you sick mothers that can’t let go of your grown sons, thanks for creating another jerk in the world who expects women that aren’t his mother to wait on him hand and foot.

  83. April 16, 2009 at 01:20

    There is nothing wrong with living with your parents. After all, the Asians have the nuclear family!

  84. 86 Kondwani, UK
    April 16, 2009 at 01:46

    Every person must eventually find their own way in life. Leaving your parents is just part of the journey.

  85. 87 Dihan from Sri lanka - Galle.
    April 16, 2009 at 05:02

    According to Sri lankan culture children live with their parents until they get married. But after they get married daughters leave their parents and sons summon their wifes to parent’s home. So it is very difficult to live with some wifes . So always two sides( Parents & wife) start to conflict with each other. At this point of time , parents or son and wife leave off the home. (But some wifes deal with her son’s parents well).
    This can be occured as the son was ruled by his wife as she needs.
    How ever at last , innocent patents become helpless. Espesially when they are feeble. The case I mentioned above is the main reason to expelled the parents or leave off the parents in my country. Otherwise sons live with their parents without conflict until they get married.
    How ever, according to my opinion,
    Parents should be looked after well by their children. Parents spend their money and labour onbehalf of their children. So children owe their parents so much. It cannot be explained by words. Thus children cannot be spent or recover it anyday. Parents are the most reliable people that a child can get for ever. So we should look after our parents. And there should be no hesitation.

  86. 88 Martin
    April 16, 2009 at 07:30

    You must be crazy…never. I would live in a tent in a field before going back to my poarents house. I went to boarding school when I was 8..been taking care of myself and being self reliant ever since. here in Italy many children live with their parents until they marry..some times into there 30′s. But here good jobs are hard to find and the cost of a flat or house is high.

  87. April 16, 2009 at 08:17

    Hi, i think adults should live away from their parents.

  88. 90 Charlotte - Australia
    April 16, 2009 at 08:49

    I live with my parents and I have no problem with it. The only annoyance is the negative comments I’ve received from jealous friends who ask me when I’m going to move out – as though they’re forcing me to – the main reason is that people my age (late teens/early twenties) in Aus. usually move out to prove their independence to everyone else – either that, or they just don’t get along with their parents very well. I get along with my parents really well, and in fact, they don’t want me to move out. I’m living in positive circumstances this way – and why the hell would I even want to change that? It suits me just fine as I’m currently completing my undergraduate degree and I don’t have to worry about paying the bills/ rent – whatever. I say, if you’re really keen on proving your independence, just stand on your own feet for once by doing what YOU want to do – not just because everyone else is. I just want to say to all those people who judge people my age for living at home as being ‘dependent’ as though it were a bad thing to shut the hell up. If it wasn’t for Centrelink you wouldn’t be able to afford what you have.

  89. April 16, 2009 at 08:51

    its not wrong adults living with their parents,it doesnt last forever afterall.
    its only wrong to use the recession as a scape goat now that parents have realised that its now a general occurance big adults living with them all over the neighbourhood thus no shame.parents would only have shame of their adult kids living with them whilst other adults the next door are alone and doing well.
    there could also be some adults who would have advantages of such living,its the sons.the daughters could find it difficult to bring their boyfriends (sons-inlaw) home to stay with brothers,parents inlaws.

    TAMBUA VILLE,
    HAMISI,KENYA.

  90. April 16, 2009 at 08:56

    I think its better you stay away from your parents.

  91. 93 Phillip K
    April 16, 2009 at 10:05

    Well, what a nice discussion.Now how do you start staying with your parents when you are of age?I moved out of my parents house after University though i didn’t know where to go. I have no job at the moment BUT I cant imagine staying with my father and mother under the same roof. Its really frustrating and makes me look like one who is not serious with my life and have no reason why I was educated!!

  92. 94 Mother of two who are living independently
    April 16, 2009 at 12:01

    In my view there are an awful lot of 20 and 30 something ‘teenagers’ out there who don’t want to take resposibility for their own lives. And parents who seem to want to keep them dependent. My two daughters happily embrace the challenges and freedoms that being grown up and living independently means. It’s not always easy for them, but they are strong enough and brave enough to cope with whatever life throws at them. It is wonderful to watch them make their own life.

  93. 95 Dr Duke
    April 16, 2009 at 15:16

    You cant be a real man if you cant stand on your own. If there is some reason you cant, then you are doing something wrong.

  94. 96 Paul Dia
    April 16, 2009 at 23:49

    Living with ones parent is very ok provided the understanding is there. Too much freedom as is being advocated by westerners is not healthy for youths especially. No matter how old and educated we become, we still continue to learn from our parents. Age has some wisdom associated with it.

  95. 97 Vanessa
    April 17, 2009 at 03:32

    I’m 22 and I live at home with my dad. There are many reasons I’d rather not go into about why I live at home but basically it’s for my own sanity. I’m also currently unemployed so I’m not really in a position where I could leave the house and strike out on my own. (This isn’t my fault, I live in a small rural area and can’t drive, there are no jobs). I’d rather stay at home and pay what I can for my dad, looking after the place than get myself into debt by moving out just because people think I should and my dad agrees. Besides I’m not ready for it and I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

  96. 98 Dave
    April 17, 2009 at 05:20

    In America anyway, the whole “every nuclear family has to have their own house” is a product of the baby boomer generation, who, in addition to generally making a mess of things in many other ways, had no problem with dumping their parents in nursing homes, which are, for the most part, tragic, horrible places. While my grandmother did have a house it was after she got married and it was still very close by to where her sisters and parents lived. I think the primary reason behind comments like “you can’t be a real man” and so on, is years and years of marketing. More households means more refrigerators to sell, more cars, more everything. So we have many big, empty houses here, and some of them are empty in the sense that there is no real family in the house to speak of.

  97. 99 landinhthi
    April 17, 2009 at 05:43

    In my point of view,living with parent when we will not be a child is not good.Go out and improve our experiences,persue patiently a target may be helpful for our life later.i think stay far away from home is really a efficient method for anybody who want to become a real adult.moreover,living outside makes us more oppotunities to develop some skills…it’s my idea

  98. 100 Marge
    April 17, 2009 at 08:19

    Hi, parents are not aliens. I love having my children live with me from time to time. Still have one who calls my house home when they are not working away. My house, however has three bathrooms and plenty of bedrooms, and it helps to have space. Plus, I have my own career, I expect my children to keep out of my way when I am busy. Main thing is, we have fun together, always have had. They don’t come here for my cooking!

  99. 101 Tigs Lankester
    April 17, 2009 at 08:39

    There are a growing number of divorcees returning to the parental home with their children in tow. Imagine the peace and quiet of well earned retirement overturned at the ring of a telephone requesting that the offspring ‘stay until they get back on their feet’.

    Loud noise, that hasn’t been heard in many years if at all, comes from spare bedrooms, the sitting room and bathroom while wellies and multiple pairs of training shoes litter the utility room and provide potential hazards. Toothpaste smears the washbasins, clothes overhang laundry baskets and unmade beds are seen through open doors. The home is transformed into a teenage dormitory with sofas housing stewn bodies plugged into something electronic. We can but wish everyone in this situation well – it can’t be easy for anyone involved!

  100. 102 sat, India
    April 17, 2009 at 08:49

    In India, adults aren’t treated like adults instead they are treated as a puppets of parents and their relatives. The word “independence” hardly exist there even in urban life. Everything from childhood till marriage even choosing bride or groom is decided by stupid parents. This non-existence of independence is really hurting Indian economy. This obviously makes sense because independence is vital source of entrepreneuship. If we need to be a next superpower or whatever society must overhaul this attitude.

  101. 103 muhammad abdul
    April 17, 2009 at 09:00

    I think the matter cant be described with a single hard opinion as some parts of the world today do not allow adult children to live with their parents whereas others welcome warmly.Ii also invloves econimics, social, moral and religeous factors.Parents are the only persons in the world who care their children truly, who love their children without any means and who guide n secure their children in any circumstances whole heartedly. We can only trust to our parents in any age and in any place.They brought up their children from childhood to adulthood with so many difficulties then how can we leave them at the age of adulthood in the lurch. It is our moral duty to live with them and to care them when they need our affection. Its a relation of sentiments at that age with parents. They just need love and we must pay it back at the time of their retirement.we can creat a privacy in the same house.Do u know what happen to those whose parents leave their children after birth ot in childhood. Most of them can never have a good and happy life so should we leave our parents at their old age. Privacy does not make sense in front of moral duties. I think there will be no child in this world to whome if his parents ask at his early age’whether you want to leave our us/home’ and he will reply in yes so is it good to leave them at their old age.I think it should be up to the parents if they want to live separate or not.

  102. 104 giovadinho
    April 17, 2009 at 15:11

    it doesn’t matter to live alongside your parents, for
    that a very good opportunity to live with them,thy’re going to help me,to to teach good things and to nurture me,it’s so excitin’ to live with your parents
    there’s nothing wrong there.

  103. 105 Jen Isbell
    April 17, 2009 at 21:09

    Living with your parents is kind of like electing Obama…you are expecting other working people to take care of your expenses.

  104. 106 Dennis Junior
    April 27, 2009 at 03:47

    Yes, it is wrong to lived with your parents….The child should move and lived on his/her own…..

    PS: i am currently living with my mother….

    ~Dennis Junior~

  105. 107 A.G.
    April 27, 2009 at 12:54

    I hate living at home. I’m 20 and just graduated from a community college. I’ve been accepted to good univerisities nationwide . I really want to go away but my mom told me I will have to take out a loan and be about $40,000 or $50,000 in debt after I graduate. The other option is to stay at home and go to stony brook university and pay in state tuition. i don’t know. i really can’t stand living here but i feel like i will literally pay for it later. Emotionally or psychologically I don’t think it is good for me because i don’t know how to live on my own and learn real responsibility. My mom is VERY controlling. It’s the reason why i didn’t go away after high school in the first place. she refused to help. I can’t even go out with friends without her knowing every detail.

  106. 108 erin
    July 12, 2009 at 23:24

    my sister is 35 and refuses to leave my parents house, they have tried to tell her to leave and she locks herself in her room crying like a baby. she still shares a room with her 14year old daughter. the problem is my parents dont want her there they now consider her a burden. i think at a certain age its time to take care of yourself and let your parents live their lives

  107. 109 Bob
    December 25, 2009 at 04:37

    Here are my thoughts. I lived with my parents the day after I graduated college(i went to school about an hr. away) and stayed literally until my wedding day. 2 years later I’m 27 with zero regrets. Granted, I got married when I was 25, I wasn’t really old but because of that my wife and I were able to put 20% down on a house. Had I been on a big independence kick right out of school, we might have had to do one of those 0 down loans a lot of my friends do, one of those home loans that end up more often in foreclosure than an old fashioned 80% loan. It depends on circumstances for sure. In my case, my parents in all honesty loved having me around, encouraged me to live at home until i was 27 when i graduated not knowing i would fall in love at 23, and they are pharmacists who make respectable incomes. I certainly wasn’t much of a burden. Certainly if i was raised in a lower income situation, it would likely have been different. I’d say if your parents ask or encourage you to leave, respect that but if you want to stay you could always offer to pay 1/3 of the mortgage/taxes/insurance, 1/3 utilities and most parents would probably go for it since you would be contributing and not taking advantage of them. In my opinion, it’s better to help your parents out with housing expenses then put your money in a stranger’s(landlord’s) pocket if you aren’t in a position to buy, which very few people that move out right of college are since they might have 3-4 grand of savings. Some might only have 500 dollars in the bank.

    Bob


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