08
May
08

What’s the best one liner you’ve ever heard?

This Chap from the US state of Indiana with his brilliant take on the handling of the credit crisis got us to thinking what’s the funniest one liner you’ve ever heard…Click and have a listen…..”it’s got more shades of wrong than a brand new bruise”. Put a smile on our faces here at the World Today. Can you do better?


37 Responses to “What’s the best one liner you’ve ever heard?”


  1. 1 Katharina in Ghent
    May 8, 2008 at 12:20

    I wish I had your worries and Rockefellers money.

  2. 3 Will Rhodes
    May 8, 2008 at 13:21

    I honestly think that is one of the hardest questions you have ever asked!

    Let me think on it and I will write them down as they come to me.

  3. 4 Laura
    May 8, 2008 at 14:01

    They don’t have issues, they have subscriptions!

  4. 5 Katharina in Ghent
    May 8, 2008 at 14:05

    The other one (with Rockefeller) has been handed down in my family for at least 2 generations, I don’t know its real origin.

    This one is mine:

    100 years ago, “till Death do us part” was a promise, nowadays it’s a threat. (Because people live so much longer, that it’s unrealistic to expect marriages to last forever.)

  5. 6 Mary Clive
    May 8, 2008 at 14:24

    “A Little Courtesy Won’t Kill You”

    used as a traffic safety bumper sticker in Massachusetts in the early ’80s.

  6. 7 John in Germany
    May 8, 2008 at 14:26

    “Who needs a broom”?. Boris Beckers.

    Hilary Clintons morning prayer,. I wish Obama was a republican!.

    Mr Mugabe had conceded the election, then i woke up.

    BBC world service can now advertise, the first applicant-el jazeera.

    Congratulations on 60 years, Israel, telegrammed from Hamas.

    (by the way,i heartily congratulate Israel on her 60th Birthday).

  7. 8 Katharina in Ghent
    May 8, 2008 at 14:55

    Here’s my all-time favourite, from Jack Nicholson in “As good as it gets”:

    Think white and get real.

  8. May 8, 2008 at 15:28

    love the marriage vows one Katharina….i just remembered another one from the recent film Juno….”she’s not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed”….which could begin a whole theme…

  9. May 8, 2008 at 15:47

    part of a piece and piece of a whole.a oneliner to sum up werever are we in this universe all are one and the same.
    devadas.v
    kerala india

  10. 11 Peter Gizzi UK
    May 8, 2008 at 16:04

    Somewhere Janet T posted “Electile Disfuction” I now cannot find it. Very funny though and so true.

  11. 12 adam in portland oregon usa
    May 8, 2008 at 16:04

    “Healing means to become your real self.” Ikuko Osumi

    “He ain’t worth two flies smashed.” Shay Shay a lovely black woman from Texas

  12. 13 Peter Gizzi UK
    May 8, 2008 at 16:15

    Found it. You may have to get janet Ts permission?

    Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

  13. May 8, 2008 at 16:29

    Hey Precious Jon…. Actually I do have 2 favourite lines : ‘The ultimate courtesy is to learn how to yawn with your mouth closed !!’ and ‘The ultimate politeness is to knock at the door of the refrigerator before you open it !!’. With my love. Yours forever, Lubna.

  14. 15 adam in portland oregon usa
    May 8, 2008 at 16:30

    Here are a few more perhaps not true one liners but easily used as such. The first one is mine.

    He was falling apart like a pair of jeans found on a heavy metal guitarist

    “We are surrounded by many beautiful things, but few real things. Real things are truth.”
    Ikoku Osumi

    Sufist saying “It is not the path that is difficult, but the difficulty that is the path”

  15. May 8, 2008 at 16:35

    Most I’ve seen are bumper stickers.

    I’ve always liked:
    “You can’t be pro-life and pro-war.”

  16. May 8, 2008 at 16:57

    I like this “two liner” by Steven Weinberg:

    “With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.”

    🙂

  17. 18 Scott Millar
    May 8, 2008 at 17:38

    + Perfection is terrible, it cannot have children.
    – Sylvia Plath

    + To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
    – Woody Allen

    + It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
    – Woody Allen

    + I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.
    – Woody Allen

    + God is love, but get it in writing.
    – Gypsy Rose Lee

  18. 19 Katharina in Ghent
    May 8, 2008 at 18:45

    @ adam: to me you’re the winner so far, “ain’t worth two flies smashed”!, I laughed really hard.

    Another one, originally from Kurt Tucholsky, which became popular again because of what happened in Amstetten, Austria:

    You can’t even eat as much as you wanna puke!

  19. 20 Roberto
    May 9, 2008 at 00:36

    “Veni, vidi, vici.”…..Julius Cesar.

    “Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.”…. heavyweight great, Joe Louis.

    He trains on beer and just won the heavyweight championship of the world.”………Frank Hugo, crew coach of Syracuse University talking about Max Baer who knocked down giant heavy champion Primo Carnera 11X enroute to an 11th round stoppage and the championship belt.

    “The strongest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.”…….Sir Winston Churchill.

  20. 21 Dennis Cote
    May 9, 2008 at 08:20

    I saw this on a license plate of a car, that obviously has children.

    “PB4UGO”

  21. 22 bjay
    May 9, 2008 at 12:46

    What’s the best one liner I’ve ever heard?

    Lincoln Dictum: “This Too Shall Pass”. (Don’t you just Love it when you are in-Love?)
    I dislike this one!!! JUSTICE IS A HOPE NOT A CERTAINTY or TRUTH IS NOT CERTITUDE.

    It’s when the frost is on the Pumpkin, that it is the time for some serious BUMPIN.(YE!)

    How VILY are the ways WE LOVE. (give it a 9)

    As the older you get the better you come to love this one:
    THROUGH THE LIPS AND PAST THE GUMS LOOK OUT STOMACK HER IT COMES !

    bjay connotation with accent

  22. 23 Mark Sandell
    May 9, 2008 at 18:35

    From Babu in Sudan, via e-mail

    ” The Word of wisdom;
    “Person throwing worms in the river
    is never afriend to fish because some of worms have hooks in them.”

  23. 24 Laura in Minneapolis
    May 9, 2008 at 19:08

    My favorite:

    Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

  24. 25 Jens
    May 9, 2008 at 19:43

    It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.
    Albert Einstein

    If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.
    Frank Lloyd Wright

    If you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law.
    Winston Churchill

    just three i do like

  25. 26 Janet T
    May 9, 2008 at 22:42

    My idea of camping is staying in a hotel without room service.

  26. 27 adam in portland
    May 10, 2008 at 07:35

    @ Laura
    yours wins for most ironic given where you live.

    during the first coalition war with Iraq I was driving around northern Saudi Arabia and the No-mans land south of Iraq with a bumper sticker with a little picture of Albert Einstien on it and this quote
    “You Can Not Simoultaniously Prevent and Prepare for War”

  27. 28 Maarten, the Netherlands
    May 10, 2008 at 09:09

    To this Woody Allen quote about not wanting to be around when dying:
    ‘The ultimate truth: you are dead before you know it.’

  28. 29 Emile Barre
    May 10, 2008 at 13:07

    You have achieved many things but you have achieved nothing because there is more for you to do.- Napoleon Bounaparte

  29. May 11, 2008 at 14:52

    T.S.Eliot, on being handed a manuscript judged good enough by his secretary, returned to her this written one-liner :

    ?

  30. 31 Laura in Minneapolis
    May 12, 2008 at 00:47

    @ Adam

    Hahaha. I hadn’t even thought about that. Building bridges must be on my subconscious as I work right next to the new one being built.

  31. 32 adam in portland oregon usa
    May 12, 2008 at 15:54

    @ Laura
    I could not help myself. I have been over that bridge innumerable times as a kid, I think we went over it to get to the Maplewood Mall. I was born down in Goodhue County. Here is another one liner I found in my archives that I wrote a year or two ago:
    My substitute for sleep comes from a bean.

    Very appropriate on a Monday morning. Ugh.

  32. 33 selena
    May 12, 2008 at 16:07

    Life is a bitch and we are all pimps!

  33. 34 viola anderson
    May 12, 2008 at 16:30

    Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  34. 35 James
    May 12, 2009 at 07:26

    God is an imaginary friend for adults.

  35. 36 Theresa
    September 22, 2009 at 13:31

    I know quite a few funny one liners.

    Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

    Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

    You are depriving some poor village of it’s idiot.

  36. October 18, 2009 at 13:22

    For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


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