Hi, I’m Savane in Kenya. I watched an Oprah a couple of years ago that I think would generate an interesting discussion.
Oprah’s guest had caused waves across the US because she said “I love my children. I’m in love with my husband!”. Married mothers were upset. Many interpreted those statements to mean: I love my husband more than I love my children!
I used to think there was something wrong with me. Finally, a woman who thought like me.
Why do many mothers put their husbands aside when their children are born, and then wonder 18-20 years later why they don’t know their husbands anymore? Do they expect life to go back to pre-kids days?
I have girlfriends who have told me I have no maternal instinct because my husband and I go away on holiday without the children (who are 11 and 6). We leave them with my parents (thanks mum and dad!). My parents did that too!
We have date nights and – on my mother’s insistence – kids shouldn’t keep you home-bound; you aren’t just parents, you are a married couple! We have family holidays and lots of family time – we’re a wicked 4-ball!
Two comments made that drive me nuts are:
(1) I’m in love with my kids! And…
(2) If you don’t have a lover in your life, then be a Valentine to your parent, sibling, or some other relative!
That’s sick! You aren’t supposed to love a blood relative like that!
Only my husband and I celebrate Valentine’s Day in our home. I don’t give or accept cards from my children! Nor do I bake love heart cookies or cupcakes for school!
It’s a day for lovers – if you don’t have one, don’t worry – it’ll be over after 24 hours! Go find your own day! You have 364 other days to pick! Let me have mine! I never celebrated Valentine’s Day when I was single!
I love my children, and I’m in love with my husband (even if I don’t always like him)!
When our first daughter was born (a 28-week preemie), her paediatrician told us: “Calm down! Or you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to get your independence back from Noni! She on the other hand, will take hers, and she already has!”.
She would kick the sides of her incubator when someone walked past her, and one of her favourite sentences was “I can do it myself!”. Our 2nd born sometimes says “I’ll be in my room. I need some ‘me-time’!
I love my children. I’m in love with my husband.
Worth talking about?
Savane
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It’s a day for lovers – if you don’t have one, don’t worry – it’ll be over after 24 hours! Go find your own day! You have 364 other days to pick! Let me have mine!
Hahaha, what a wonderful little rant.
I heart this blog.
Regards,
Brett ~ Richmond, Va.
I listen to rabbi schmuley once in a while, and he says that parents that allow their kids to sleep in their bedrooms are going to have doomed marriages because the sex ends. We already have a 50% divorce rate….
As a woman, it is impossible for me to understand this topic. It is not within me to ignore anyone in my family or anyone else, for that matter. (But that’ s another story!)
To even say women “ignore” their husbands after their children are born is putting something negative squarely on the shoulders of women, one more time.
Children are the responsibility of men and women. If my husband didn’t share responsibility, he would be out of my life as quick as you could say Jack Robinson.
As usual, it is all about men and men’s needs. If your man doesn’t understand that YOUR needs multiply after childbirth, you are better off without him. At this crucial time in family life, the woman’s needs are greater.
The bottom line: when things are shared everything is a joy, even the sleepless, sexless nights. If there are men here who don’t believe this, you haven’t progressed beyond basic needs. If you can get past the basic sexual instinct and focus on the needs of your wife and newborn, you are home free in terms of finding happiness.
I personally think that men need to realise that, in the case of young children, all adults in the household need to take a back seat to the needs of the children. I have observed households in which babies cry in hunger while the wife wears herself thin to ensure that her husband has 5-star quality food for his precious supper or chases after the laundry so that the husband can have stain-free, nice-smeilling, and perfectly pressed clothing. I think that it is ludicrous. Obviously, this is a unique case. However, that general trend does exist in certain cultures, and it literally leaves me feeling intestinally weak.
I say that the young children should be fed before any adult, provided quality clothing before we adults chase after trendy fashions, enabled to have healthy sleep schedules, and encouraged to have healthy non-electronic interactions, even if it is at the expense of our precious soap operas or the husband’s precious laundry and ironing. All too often, we adults chase after our own comforts and whims while our children are ignored or left to the electronic babysitter. If that means that the husband has to entertain himself for a few hours or care for his own needs every so often, then so be it. Our children should come first until they have some ability to care for themselves in some way (i.e., dress themselves, do the potty alone, obtain some level of nourishment without assistance, etc.).
Men should not ignore their wives. Wives should not ignore their men. Husbands and Wives should not ignore their children. Everyone should remember a dog is not for christmas.
We all have responsibility, but it is important within a relationship for a couple to take time away from their responsibilities, by having a holiday or a night off.
I am a wife and mother of 2 (one who was also a 28 week premie). The relationship with my husband did change once our daughters (now ages 8 and 4) but for the better. We make an extra effort to communicate and find the time to spend together as a couple. However, what makes me love my husband more and more each day is seeing his relationship with our daughters. They love their Daddy and the love he has for them is just another expression of love for me just as my love for them is an extension of the love I have for him. That is why I do things for my girls on Valentine’s Day. It is a way to show them that I think they are special and that I love them and a way to show my husband that I am grateful for the gift we created together.
I wish that my husband and I could take holidays without the girls sometimes. However, we do not have family living anywhere close to us to take the responsibility of the girls for us. Savane, you are very fortunate that your family is close by! We do have some date nights but more importantly we take time each day to talk, even if it is just before we nod off at night.
My husband and I knew that by having children, our relationship would be different. We both accepted that when we made that decision. I think the problem arises when one person in the marriage isn’t willing to accept that change. That could be either the man or the woman. I think that is where the real problem is. If both parties know the change is coming and they embrace it, the marriage will become stronger and last. Life is never constant and one must, as the saying goes, go with the flow.
All the best to all of the WHYS listeners – have a great weekend everyone!
Amy in Beaverton, Oregon, USA
Savane, I agree with you 300%.
In the US, so many mothers/families feel like their kids must be the center of their universes: we shuttle kids back and forth from 4,000 different activities, foregoing all of our passions, hobbies, and needs. We hate leaving kids with babysitters, going on vacations with out them, etc. By doing these things, but nurturing your relationship with your husband, you are giving your kids another great lesson: first-hand knowledge of a great, giving, relationship between and adult man and an adult woman. All that hard work getting Little Billy from soccer to trumpet lessons, from karate or play date, will be lost if Billy grows up thinking that a healthy relationship with his wife consists of a lack of communciation and understanding.
You can be a good parent and STILL have a life. There is absolutely no shame in that and it is HEALTHIER. Too many kids in this country grow up thinking they are the center of the universe, then behave that way as adults. Forcing your kids to see your needs (no, not in a gross way) – your need to have “adult” time, to indulge in your own hobbies – helps them better understand the needs of others as they grow up.
KUDOS TO YOU!
Erin
Cleveland, OH, USA
Most definitely!
I agree with you that Valentines day is for lovers – it came as a BIG culture-shock to me when I came to live in Canada and Valentines day was celebrated by all the family, class-mates et al. I did feel uncomfortable with is and will forever more I would think.
But to the original question: No I don’t think that women should ignore their men, but that has to be reciprocated. I am my wife’s husband and she is my wife, obviously – our children are our children and there is a line in the sand that won’t be crossed by those children – they will grow up to be adults and live their own lives one day. As parents we have to ready them for that.
The fun, laughter, heartbreak, tears are all part of that initial journey for children. But the backbone of a stable and caring child is Mum and Dad – and that isn’t gender specific!
This is going to be lengthy- I am passionate about this subject. First-there are no absolutes! Putting your spouse first does not guarantee happiness etc… that said……
I should qualify- I have been married close to 24 years, we married fairly young- (22) and have 2 kids. Very early in our relationship someone told us- remember, when you have kids, they come to live with you and then they go and live their own lives- you choose your spouse for life. We’ve always kept this in mind.
I’m married to my best friend, the person I always want to be with, the person I admire most in the world. We own a business together so we spend more time together than the average couple- probably close to 20 hours a day. And we put our energy into each other…… are our kids suffering??- hardly- they get plenty of attention and because we are strong together we provide a strong parental unit and good examples for them. My son has already moved to his own apartment, and our daughter is a junior in high school and will probably move in a few years (when she’s ready). Then it will just be the 2 of us again- and though we love our lives now, we are looking forward to that phase again.
I’ve always said that if he puts her happiness first and she puts his happiness first, the rest is easy.
I have a girlfriend who was married close to 20 years with 3 kids when her husband walked out one day- she was stunned- he said I didn’t think you’d notice I was gone. (They are back together)- but I knew what he was talking about.
It is easy to get caught up in the day to day, your co-workers, your job, your kids- but your focus should be your spouse. OK rant over!
Savane my love…. Goodness ! I do really love this topic, although I’m not married yet
. In my opinion, TRUE love is able to survive despite all the difficulties and obstacles put in its way. A mother must realise that a significant part of her love to her children is to love the cause of their coming to this life i.e. their father. And a father must realise that if his wife loves his children dearly, then she ultimately loves him too because his children are a precious piece of him. There’s a very big difference between “loving” your children and “spoiling” your children. Lots of love and blessings to you all from Baghdad. Yours forever, Lubna.
Speaking as a 43 year participant in marriage, I can say “ignorance” cuts both ways. A woman spends time with children because her nature demands she nuture. Men have this responsibilty too; but in a different manner. Touching and pleasant conversation are essentials to happiness. And of course, a little extra present on those special days of the year is a necessity. The best thing to do however, you men take notice, is to bring home flowers, or chocolates, or a little gift completely unexpectedly, accompanied by a “just because I love you.” Nothing gains love like love.
g
In North America, the extended family has become the nuclear family for many, if not most. Not only that: It is becoming one-parent households in many instances. I won’t get into that except to say that young couples are not encouraged to depend upon their parents for child-care assistance although this is not a cast -in -stone attitude and parents very often do step up in emergency situations, just not on a regular basis simply because the young couple needs to maintain their romantic relationship. Many parents with grown children take the attitude that they did their time in the child-care area and they are not interested in taking that role on for their children’s sake.
The result is that young couples without a lot of resources (money) must meet still another cost in order to nurture their relationship. Since not all are mature themselves and are still in steep learning curves regarding relationships in general, mothers are sometimes faced with choosing between caring adequately for her child or children or catering to an immature man’s immature needs. If she is immature herself, and doesn’t know how to handle that, it is something to deplore but not to place blame.
There is hope, however, for these women if they are able to maintain deep friendships with other women in their same situation who often will see what is happening and offer both counsel and babysitting services to their friends. I’ve seen this dynamic happening with my young neighbors.
I agree with Savane that many women do get so caught up in their own roles as mothers that they neglect their relationship with their children’s father. It’s probably the source of many men’s belief that they are viewed mainly as sperm donors and income providers for their women and that their need to be loved and supported is not considered a valid need. Any woman with more than superficial thoughts in her head will not have such an attitude.
I recently experienced this phenomenon first hand. After my wife had our daugther she became totaly disinterested in me. After giving birth to our son, she left. In the course of two years I moved from a loving marriage to an estranged wife keeping my children from me on the other side of the country.
I realize that my situation is the worst case scenario, but if I was able to love her and the kids in equal proportion, surely she should be able to do the same…
It is absolutly amazing that I came across this post today. I was thinking of these same issues just a couple hours ago. I have a little boy who will be 2 on Sunday and it seems that since he was born I have completely changed everything about me. I am disgusted with the person that I have become in so many different ways. My son’s father is a very hard working, honest, loving, caring person. We have not been getting along lately because I have completely changed the focus of my life to completely surround my son. Every ounce of energy I have, I have put into him… Thankfully I have realized this and this post just affirmed what I have been thinking about. My relationship is worth so much more than what I have been putting in to it. It amazes me that I could become so wrapped up in my son. Not that I feel completely bad about it, I love my son very much and don’t know what I would do without him. I really don’t know what I would do with out his father as well. He is one of the bricks in the foundation to my family and I would be completely broken and lost with out him. Thanks for this post I will have to show this to him so when I explain that I finally get it.. He will know that I do.. Thanks!!
i think the vow smade in marraige are to the spouse…not the kids…
of course men should help with the children on an equal basis….but if a woman puts ANYTHING ahead of her husband…and that works both ways…
i personally believe in our society men would be much better off if they chose not to have children…
and that would quickly change many attitudes….
My husband and I have only grown closer since our son was born a year ago. At one point I told my husband, “I hope you aren’t offended, but I love him more than you.” He laughed and said ditto.
We’re both completely devoted to our kiddo, and neither one of us feels slighted because of that. In fact, we probably spend MORE time together now, because we plan so many more family activities. The few times we have gone out without him, we missed him and came home early.
I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with putting your kids first. My husband agrees and has enough confidence in my love for him that he doesn’t NEED to feel like he’s the center of my universe.
But with that said, I don’t make judgments about what anyone else chooses to focus on in their own family – those choices are up to each of us to make. If your marriage needs to come first, more power to you for recognizing that and making that choice.
P.S. Valentine’s Day is a crock! I refuse to celebrate it! But I really don;t see the harm in sharing a card or chocolate with your little one, if you’re so inclined. I certainly wouldn’t go so far as to call someone “sick” for that!
I don’t have a husband or children, but I hope that when I do it can be a family much like yours! Thanks for the happy thoughts
~CR369
I’m 20 years old. I’m not married and I’m still at university.
I think that everything is about balance! When I get married and have children (as I hope to someday do), I’d try to balance my relationship with my husband. I do agree that when children are young like 0-4years, they need A LOT of attention (many children are messed up today cuz they have no foundation). But since I think that many men (and women) love attention, especially from that special somebody, you CANNOT neglect your husband. I think a good way to get the best out of the both worlds, therefore, is to do family activities together. However, I can’t blame Savane because her kids have long passed the toddler-period and she can afford to go on vacations, which I think is necessary both for your relationship with your husband (for obvious reasons) and your children, as someone already pointed out, that it would help the children to understand what a healthy relationship is all about (a lot of children are also messed up in that aspect too).
I loved when Gary said “Nothing gains love like love” and that is SOOOOO DEFINITELY TRUE!!!
Lastly, I don’t have anything against parents who give gifts for Valentine’s day! There is nothing wrong with that! Hell, I’ll give my children gifts for Valentine’s day. As someone already pointed out, Valentine’s day is a crock!!! It’s a money making extravaganza! Therefore, you can do whatever you want with it!!! You can celebrate “friendship love” THAT’S OK!!! you can celebrate “lover’s love” THAT’S OK!!! So who’s to say you can celebrate “kiddies love”? THAT’S OK TOO!!! As a matter of fact, for Valentine’s day this year, I gave chocolate to all my friends. If you’re single you can give gifts to other single period! We don’t need another day… Valentine’s day covers it all.. for the lovers and for the friends! And guess what too… my mommy gave me a huge cadbury chocolate! And believe it or not… it actually made me feel love! As old as I am! So imagine what it would do to a 5-year old who can go to school and singing “My mommy loves me, look what she gave me” Although they must learn that giving doesn’t actually mean love or not giving doesn’t mean no-love but that’s another story. But I don’t think the guesture would hurt the kids!
Why do I put my children first (four of them)? My husband never helps me with them, never helps around the house. Over the years I have come to really dislike my husband. He makes a lot of money. It has allowed me to be with my children until they have gone off to school. My children are everything to me. They will remember that it was their mother who did everything for them.